The Accidental Pharisee

Merry Christmas!

2008-12-19T06:23:00.004-07:00

It's been quiet on this blog for several months now as I re-evaluate my writing and speaking commitments.
I'm continuing that theme of "rest" while I enjoy the holidays with my family. I hope your time is joy-filled--and hope we'll connect again in 2009.

Thankful Thursday # 21

2008-10-30T07:58:00.003-06:00

"We become what we think about all day long."
— Ralph Waldo Emerson

It's Thursday--and thanks to Iris at Grace Alone ... women all over the world have a chance to meet via the Internet and share what we're thankful for. It's always a delight to visit other women's blogs and read their TT lists. I find myself smiling and thinking: Oh, I'm thankful for that too! My TT list grows longer as I add more and more reasons to be thankful. I guess gratitude begets gratitude.

Iris is thankful for her 5 senses this week--and all the things she see, touch, taste, smell and hear. And, spinning off in a totally different direction, her post made me thankful for the intangible things in my life. The things I can't see, touch, taste, smell and hear--and sometimes take for granted. I'm thankful for:

Grace--God's grace is the opposite of Law. I think of Law as a confining fence made up of all the dos an don'ts that crowd me, surround me, box me in. Grace is wide open spaces that allow me to spiritually breathe and be who God made me to be. (Romans 5:2 MSG)
Forgiveness--I don't think people can truly understand forgiveness. We operate more from a "You owe me" mentality. God shows us what true forgiveness looks like--offering it before we even ask for it, before we even know we need it. He knows the true sacrifice that forgiveness requires because it looks like his son.
Reconciliation--There are a lot of amazing concepts in the Bible, but reconciliation is my favorite. Reconciliation: Enemies being made friends. I know God offers us salvation. I know he offers us eternal life. I know he justifies us and sanctifies us. But when I think about the truth that he reconciled me to him--then I feel his arms around me.
Relationship--I know what a relationship is when I'm in one. I know what a relationship is when it's been broken and I ache somewhere so deep in my heart I don't know if it can ever be reached, ever be healed. But relationships are intangible in so many ways. They are born in hearts and lived out through trust and hope and love and forgiveness. Scripture says we are made in the image of God. Well, he must be a God of relationships because we certainly are people made for relationships.
Hope--Sometimes hope doesn't make sense. When you're sitting in the midst of heartache and discouragement and you have real reason to give up--there it is...hope. You finding it--maybe the tiniest ember in your heart--and you realize you still believe that life could get better. Or someone comes along and sits down beside you and wraps their arms around you--and holds out hope to you. Offering to share their hope. Hope is a miraculous intagible.

May you find many, many reasons--tangible and intangible--to be thankful today!

Waking Up, Getting Up, and Choosing Gratitude

2008-10-28T08:22:00.003-06:00

"We can only be said to be alive in those moments when our hearts are conscious of our treasures."~ Thornton Wilder

Mornings have been tough of late.

To be honest, most days I want to pull the covers over my head and go back to sleep.

Rather than seizing the day, I want to ignore it.

But that's not really an option, not when there's a raring to go 7-year-old waiting for me!

This morning was more of the same.

Waking up and thinking, "I'd rather stay asleep."

And then the thought flitted through my brain: You know that grace you talk about, Beth? That grace that is sufficient for your need? It's sufficient for the needs of today too. The little ones and the big ones.

I have been talking about God's grace lately at several women's conferences. I'll be talking about it again next Monday night.

And I do believe God's grace is sufficient for me.

I just forgot about it for a minute. I let my weakness overshadow God's grace.

And He has said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness " Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me.

(2 Corinthians 12:9 NAS)

The truth is, this has been a tough season for me, a season of skimming low emotionally. Wise Guy would say, "Fatigue makes cowards of us all."

Well, I'm not arguing with him.

But right now I have to finish what I've started and then I can rest.

Until then, I will set my heart on the treasure of God's grace--trusting that God's power will be perfected in my weakness.

My grace is enough; it's all you need. My strength comes into its own in your weakness.Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ's strength moving in on my weakness.

(2 Corinthians 12:9 MSG)

Thankful Thursday #20

2008-10-22T23:48:00.004-06:00

Another week has gone by and my only post this week will be the Thankful Thursday entry. I hope life will settle out here soon and more musings will fill this blog. But until then, I'm thankful for Iris at Grace Alone... who faithfully encourages so many of us to be thankful.

This week I've spent some time talking to my ever faithful Wise Guy (folks who've read other blog posts will be familiar with Wise Guy.)

I've revisited the concept of validation. To validate something means to endorse something, or to verify something, or to approve something.

You know how parking tickets can be validated? You go to a restaurant and the restaurant will validate your parking ticket--stamp it somehow so you don't have to pay your parking fee. You're endorsed or verified or approved by the restaurant--and you don't owe any money to the parking garage.

Sometimes I treat myself like a parking ticket. I run around and try find someone to validate me.

And sometimes I go to the wrong people to validate me. I go to people who will never, ever really see me for who I am and never, ever approve of me.

And then I think, "Ooops! I just tried to get my ticket validated at the wrong window!"

I make a little joke--but the truth is being invalidated hurts.

All of this to say:

I am thankful for God because his actions validate me. He created me in his image (Gen. 1:27). He says I am fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14). Yeah, I have a hard time believing that, but who am I to argue with God? He loved me enough to send his son to die for me (John 3:16)--and if that doesn't validate me, I don't know how anything can.

I am thankful for the people he has sent into my life who have validated me. Sometimes we need "God with skin on." Friends who love me--the good, the bad, the ugly, and the me I so want to be--validate me. They tell me I have worth. They reflect God back to me and make me believe that I am made in his image. They help me believe that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Sometimes they even say they're sorry that other people have invalidated me. And the hurt is a little less.

And just in case you've forgotten, let me remind you: You're made in God's image too. You're fearfully and wonderfully made. Jesus died for you too.

God's validated your parking ticket.

Thankful Thursday # 19

2008-10-15T21:44:00.004-06:00

Over at Grace Alone ..., Iris is thankful for joy. That brings to mind this verse:

" ... the joy of the Lord is your strength." ~ Neh. 8:10c

Here's what Charles Spurgeon, a preacher in the late 1800s, had to say about the joy of the Lord:

(The joy of the Lord) springs from God, and has God for its object. The believer who is in a spiritually healthy state rejoices mainly in God himself; he is happy because there is a God, and because God is in his person and character what he is. All the attributes of God become well-springs of joy to the thoughtful, contemplative believer; for such a man says within his soul, "All these attributes of my God are mine: his power, my protection; his wisdom, my guidance; his faithfulness, my foundation; his grace, my salvation."

I missed Thankful Thursday last week because I was getting my life back on an even keel after speaking at the Hearts at Home conference. I am thankful for:

all my TT friends who left such encouraging messages for me and who promised to pray for me as I spoke about how moms can help their sons choose purity versus pornography & about how motherhood is not about being perfect. The workshops went well and I received positive feedback from moms who were encouraged.

that I made it home even if it was 7 hours later than planned and via Milwaukee and Dallas. After my flight was canceled, some passengers weren't getting flights out until the next day!

my friend, Wendy--that's her in the photo--who traveled with me and surprised me with chocolates and a lovely scented candle for our room and helped at my book table and who kept me sane while we stood in line for more than 2 1/2 hours trying to get a flight home!

for an understanding husband who let me take a few days off while I caught up on lost sleep and recovered from a migraine.

life getting back to normal. I've got one more conference to speak at in November, but until then, I'm just being a mom and a wife and, oh,yea, an editor ... the magazine's on deadline again. But, that's normal for me.

I am thankful for God's attributes. He is Eternal (Ps. 90:2), Unchanging (Mal. 3:6), Holy (Rev. 15:4), All-Powerful (Joshua 4:24), All-Wise (1 Cor. 1:25), All-Knowing (1 John 3:20), Good (ps. 25:8), Loving (1 Jn. 4:8), Gracious (Jn. 1:14), Merciful (Neh. 9:31), Just (Deut. 32:4), and Sovereign (2 Sam. 7:22).

Thankful Thursday # 18

2008-10-01T22:25:00.003-06:00

"The eternal God is a dwelling place,

And underneath are the everlasting arms ... " ~ Deut. 33:27

How fun it was to visit Iris this week and see her beautiful new blog, Grace Alone. . ., the new home of Thankful Thursday! It was a joy to read her post Welcome to Grace Alone. . . and hear all God has been doing in her life.

I am heading out Friday to teach two workshops at Hearts at Home's Regional Conference in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Anybody out there in blogger land planning on attending?

I'll be talking about how our children change us--and how God works in our lives during those moments of change. My other workshop is called "Helping Your Son Choose Purity Instead of Pornography." It's straight talk about how moms can help their sons make right choices when it comes to the temptation all boys will face to one degree or another.

All that to say,

I am thankful to God for the opportunity to connect with moms this weekend. I am thankful to share from my heart, and to encourage other women--just as other women have encouraged me.

I am thankful for my "spiritual ground support": some special friends who have prayed for me as I prepared for this weekend.

I am thankful for how God used my children to change me--rubbing of some rough edges and revealing some unknown strengths.

I am thankful for the truth of Deuteronomy 33:27: That God can be my dwelling place, a place of shelter, and that his "everlasting arms" are always there to hold me up.

I am thankful for my husband's help the past weeks as I've prepared for the workshops. He's given me time to myself to get ready, helped with logistics and all the "To Dos" on my list. I married an amazing man with a servant's heart.

Jesus and Pharisees

2008-10-01T00:01:00.000-06:00

Now one of the Pharisees was requesting Him to dine with him, and He entered the Pharisee's house and reclined at the table. Luke 7:36 (NAS)

I'm reading through Luke, just trying to draw closer to Jesus by viewing his life through the eyes of Luke.

(I bet a lot of you know Luke was a physician--but did you know physicians back in New Testament times were slaves? I learned that at a recent conference.)

In Luke 7, I re-read verse 36:

Now one of the Pharisees was requesting Him to dine with him, and He entered the Pharisee's house and reclined at the table.

Whenever I think of Jesus and Pharisees, I think of adversaries, I don't think of a host and a dinner guest. If you read the passage through verse 50, it doesn't sound like the Pharisee, Simon, was a very hospitable host. He didn't wash Jesus' feet when he entered the house, as was customary, and he didn't greet him with a kiss, also the custom of the day.

Maybe Simon the Pharisee was only pretending to like Jesus. Maybe he was only trying to set him up to put him down. Or maybe he was curious about what Jesus was teaching and wanted to spend some uninterrupted time with Jesus.

I don't know and guessing would be reading between the lines.

But, whatever the Pharisee's motives, Jesus was willing to spend time with him. Pure or impure of heart, Jesus was willing to break bread with him.

Thinking Out Loud: Jesus looked past labels--the ones we put on ourselves and the ones others put on us. Simon the Pharisee probably was proud of the label "Pharisee". He was also quick to call another person "sinner" (verse 39). Jesus looked at each individual person--not any man-made title--and saw value. Sometimes I still feel ashamed that I stumbled into Phariseeism without even realizing it. I need to remember Jesus doesn't see me as "The Accidental Pharisee". He sees me as Beth. Just Beth. And in his eyes, I have value.

Thankful Thursday #17

2008-09-24T21:56:00.003-06:00

Three of my favorite quotes on change:

“Change is the essence of life. Be willing to surrender what you are for what you could become.”
~ Pericles, Ancient Greek statesman

“Any change, even change for the better, is always accompanied by drawbacks and discomforts.”
~ Arnold Bennett, British novelist

“Don’t fear change; embrace it.” ~Anthony D’Angelo, author

My favorite Scripture verse about change:

Hebrews 13: 8 (NIV) Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.

Jesus doesn't change.

And for that truth--in the midst of a world that is full of change--I am thankful.

Thanks, Iris at Sting My Heart, for hosting Thankful Thursday!

Staying in the Moment

2008-09-23T00:01:00.000-06:00

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."

~2 Corinthians 12:9a

Imagine being a woman who bled for 12 years.

You spend all you have on doctors. No relief.

In Jesus' day, if you were this woman, you had no life.

According to the Law, you were unclean.

If you were married, that meant you couldn't be intimate with your husband.

You couldn't go to the Temple and worship.

You couldn't even go to the well and draw water with the other women. No freedom to meet with your friends and chat, talk about your day, your struggles, your hopes ...

You're a prisoner to 12 years of bleeding.

One day, you've had enough. You're desperate for something more.

Freedom.

Healing.

Something other than the life you've been living.

And so you dare to leave your house and go out into the crowds.

You're looking for someone--the man named Jesus. You've heard he can heal people.

Maybe, just maybe he can heal you.

You aren't brave enough to face Jesus and ask him to heal you.

But you dare to come up behind him while he's in a crowd and reach out and touch the hem of his cloak ... and you are healed. Immediately.

Yes, there's more to that story. But I don't want to talk about the rest of the story yet. I want to stay in the moment--the moment where the woman gathered her weakness in her hands and took it to Jesus.

Here. I can't do anything with this. I can't fix it. I can't live with this any more. Can you--would you, please, help me?

Just Thinking Out Loud: Sometimes that's all anyone can do. Stay in the moment of your weakness and admit: I can't fix this. I can't live with this anymore. Can you, would you, please, help me, God?

God promises that his power his perfected in our weakness. (2 Corinthians 12:9).

I need to remind my Accidental Pharisee-self that my weakness isn't about what I can't do. It's about what God can do.

Getting Random, Just For The Fun Of It

2008-09-19T00:01:00.000-06:00

Lea, my blogging pal at Shabby Olde Potting Shed, tagged me for a Random MeMe. I'm to share 7 random things about myself and then tag 7 other blogging friends to do the same.

So, here goes:

I love waterfalls! My husband Rob took that photo on a recent weekend hike with a close buddy.

When I get nervous, I tend to laugh. You should have heard me the first time I tried rock climbing. Once I got down, the instructor looked at me and said, "You didn't hear a word I said, did you? My reply? "Nope. But I'm on the ground--and I'm smiling."

My favorite treat? Jellybeans! I like my sugar with just a little bit of added color.

Up until this year, I could say I had never eaten brussel sprouts. I am now sorry to say that I have tasted exactly one brussel sprout. And I confess I spit it out.

I am a twin. My sister, Brenda, was born 4 minutes after me, which makes me the older sister. Brenda and I are fraternal twins. We couldn't even convince people we were sisters, much less twins, when we were growing up. No fun stories of switching places. That's Brenda in the red dress and me in the yellow dress. See, only similarity is we're both girls! Those other folks are my older brother, Bobby, my younger (and taller) brother, Kenny, and my younger sister, Theresa.

I hate spiders. Hates them. Hates. them. 'Nough said about that.

I've been to Venice once--and would love to go again. What a magical, lyrical, beautiful city. My son, Josh, took this photo when he visited there a couple of years ago.

And, I now tag these seven blogging friends to tell us some fun random things about themselves:

Tiffany, over at Tea for Tiffany
Kristi, over at KiKi's Corner
Denise, over at Teacups and Time
Marsha, over at Marsha's Musings
Laurie Ann, over at A Magnolia's Heart Beats
Lori, over at Front Porch Legacy
Nancie, over at More Than Conquerors

Thankful Thursday # 16

2008-09-17T22:00:00.003-06:00

Thank you, Iris at Sting My Heart for rallying woman all around the world to be thankful on Thursdays. I find the choice to be thankful on this one particular day overflows into the other six days of the week.

Those of you who read my post last week know that I was worn out and struggling to be thankful. A great big Thank you, Thank you, Thank you for all of the encouraging words posted on my blog and for the prayers that were prayed for me. To be honest, the battle with weariness and discouragement didn't disappear until early this week. But, reading the other TT posts and your messages to me kept me in a continual spirit of thankfulness, in spite of the pressure I faced.

So, what am I thankful for today? So many, many things:

Each one of you Thankful Thursday friends who posted an encouraging word and/or prayer for me last week. You were my spiritual "ground support."

That we got not 1 but 2 phone calls from my daughter, Amy, on Sunday! I was a happy mom!! Amy is now in Nicaragua and beginning her adventure with her team. I know she is in the center of God's will for her life. (And, yes, I miss her!)

My iPod and my praise and worship music--and the chance to fall asleep listening to songs that lighten my spirit and redirect my anxious thoughts and remind me that God is faithful.

That I've experienced breakthrough with the oppression and discouragement I've battled the last month. My feet are back on firm ground--thank God!

For my husband Rob, because he loves me during good times and bad, good moods and bad, and is truly my best and most faithful friend.

For fun family walks with Rob and our two daughters and our two dogs. Ah, stress relief.

For the chance to sit in my den in my rocking chair--the one I rocked all my babies in--and read God's word and have my spirit be refreshed. To have God speak specifically to the needs of my life through his word--amazing.

For "Wise Guy"--my trusted counselor. (You can read about him in other Accidental Pharisee posts.) And for his unwavering belief that I am a person of worth.

For this specific Scripture passage: The LORD'S lovingkindnesses indeed never cease, For His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness. Lamentations 3:22-23

Just Thinking Out Loud

2008-09-17T00:01:00.000-06:00

Spent some time with Wise Guy today. It seems I either laugh or cry when I hang out with him. Pardon me while I indulge in a reminiscence.

The first time I met Wise Guy, I told him I wasn't going to waste my time--or his--crying. It was inappropriate, I said, like kissing on a first date. That was during the time in my life when I didn't cry for 18 months.

I've been known to say, "What's the use in crying? It doesn't do any good."

And Wise Guy always challenges me when I say that.

Oh really?

And then he sits there and looks at me. And I wonder, "Do I really mean what I just said--that crying doesn't do any good? Or do I mean something else?"

So this Accidental Pharisee is going to muse on tears for a bit ... just ponder the need for tears, the purpose of tears, the solace of tears ...

Starting with others' thoughts on tears:

"Tears are words the heart can't express" ~Unknown

"Perhaps our eyes need to be washed by our tears once in a while, so that we can see Life with a clearer view again." Alex Tan

"Tears are the safety valve of the heart when too much pressure is laid on it." Albert Smith

"A teardrop on earth summons the King of heaven." Charles R. Swindoll

Thankful Thursday # 15

2008-09-10T23:38:00.005-06:00

It's late and I'm exhausted.

And, to be honest, I thought about skipping Thankful Thursday this week. I just don't have the time to post a blog entry this week. My To Do list is taunting me and my eyes are begging to close--and I still have to climb the stairs to my bedroom ...

But I've learned the value of being grateful. Sometimes taking the time--making the time to say thank you to God makes all the difference between a good day and a bad day.

The last few weeks have been rough. I've battled discouragement. Doubt. Migraines. Work overload. Intense sadness at having to say goodbye to my daughter, Amy, who left for a 9 month mission trip this past Monday.

Even in the midst of all that, I have reason--REASONS--to be thankful. And all of those reasons have names.

This week I am thankful for:

Rob, my husband, who lives with me in an understanding, servant-hearted way
and for my friends (in no particular order): Gloria, Tiffany, Scoti, Jeanne, Kristin, Margo, Fran, Barbara --You've all prayed for me, listened to me, comforted me, and pointed me back to God when my faith has wobbled. You've fulfilled the exhortation of Galatians 6:2: Bear one another's burdens. Because of your friendships, my burden has been lighter.

Ecclesiastes 4:9, 10, 12: Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. 10 If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble. 12 A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken.

With thanks to Iris at Sting My Heart for encouraging us to be thankful. And with many, many thanks to all the women in the TT community whose grateful hearts inspire me!

Listening to the Coach

2008-09-10T00:33:00.003-06:00

"Fatigue makes cowards of us all." ~ Coach Vince Lombardi

Vince Lombardi said it.

I'm here to tell you he was right.

When I'm tired, I'm scared.

Now, you may be wondering why I'm not quoting Scripture or someone with biblical authority. Well, I figure God can use all sorts of people to talk sense into us. He's God, isn't he? The Creator of so many wonderfully different, brilliant people.

And that includes football coaches.

Besides, Wise Guy was the one who first quoted Lombardi's wisdom to me--and he's reminded me of it many times--and as recently as last week.

I admit it: I am an exhausted coward.

Life has been busy, busy, busy in my little corner of the world. I'm up late, up early, running, running, running. Never finishing the To Do list.

I'm not complaining--not really. I'm just telling you what's causing the complete physical exhaustion. Throw in a couple migraines, some other recurrent physical problems ... and you've got one tired woman.

And there's no pause button on my life. No way to slow things down so I can rest up and prepare for tomorrow. Nope--tomorrow's already here and I'm still working on yesterday's list.

You know the one thing that gets overlooked in all this madness?

My relationship with God.

I tend to say, "I'll be with you in just a second"--and then I make another phone call. I answer another e-mail, post another blog entry, empty the sink of the dirty dishes, throw another load of laundry in ... you know, life.

And before I know it, I'm exhausted and overwhelmed--feeling a bit scared--and realizing I need to reconnect with God.

It's the only way to find firm ground again. It's the only way to truly find rest for my soul.

Just Thinking Out Loud: Jesus said, "Come unto me all you who were weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest." (Matt. 11:28) I think he knew that fatigue makes cowards of us all. I think he knew how debilitating exhaustion is. And I think he knew he was the answer to our exhaustion. He is where we find rest. Naps are nice, sure. But I find mine are often interrupted by phone calls or someone ringing my doorbell. The question is why do I let so many other things interrupt my relationship with God?

Thankful Thursday #14

2008-09-03T23:44:00.004-06:00

With thanks to Iris at Sting My Heart for giving me a chance to stop and be thankful--and for allowing my life to intertwine with so many other women whose grateful hearts encourage mine! Iris quoted Ecclesiastes this week--about ""For everything thing there is a season . . ."

I'm entering a season of letting go. My 20-year-old daughter, Amy, leaves next week for a 9 month mission trip to Nicaragua. It is what I call a "wonderful-horrible" mom moment.

It's wonderful because I know this is the next right step for my daughter. I know she will be right in the center of God's will for her life while she is down in Nicaragua.

And it is horrible because I love my daughter dearly and I will miss her every minute of every day she is gone, with every beat of my heart.

Today I am thankful for my daughter, Amy because:

her courageous spirit challenges me to live without fear
she has a sweet, merciful spirit. This is my child who said, "I love everybody's eyes, Mom. Even bats' eyes!"
she chose her relationship with her dad and I over a tattoo. Need I say more?
she may not keep her room neat, but then again, neither do I. But she has an amazingly creative ability. Just ask her art teacher!
she lives life outside the box--following where God is leading her. Yes, that is scary for me--but it also makes me very, very proud.
she has "emerald-sapphire" eyes--a beatiful blend of my green eyes and her dad's blue eyes. How fun is that?
she embodies one of my favorite sayings: She is living her life out loud.
she laughs with me, not at me, and she sings along with the radio with me and her sisters--there's nothing like a Mom and daughters car duet to make your day!
she is willing to say, "I'm sorry" and she doesn't hold a grudge.
she is a loyal friend--sticking with you through thick and through thin.

It's one thing to realize, "Wow, I'm so blessed to have such a wonderful daughter!" It's another thing to realize, "Wow--I'd be blessed to be my daughter's friend."

My daughter Amy is an amazing young woman--and I am blessed to be her mom. I hope I've earned the right to be her friend.

Thankful Thursday # 13

2008-08-27T20:58:00.005-06:00

"We become what we think about all day long."
— Ralph Waldo Emerson

With thanks to Iris at Sting My Heart. By sponsoring Thankful Thursdays, you've helped me become a more grateful person--and to connect heart-to-heart with other grateful women. Visit Iris' blog and wander the other TT posts all over the world!

Today, my thankful list is truly random. It's been a random, oh-wait-what-am-I-supposed-to-be-doing-now kind of week! So, in no particular order, I'm thankful:

that my new and wonderfully improved website for late-in-life moms is up! Mommy-Come-Lately.com has been refurbished, revamped, and revved up! Come on over and check it out--and the kick-off contest, too!
for my wonderful Web guru, Stacey at Digital Picnic, who held my hand through the website redo--and made it all happen!
for my husband--and for pain medication. I think I broke my toe--and it hurts! But my sweet husband is loving on me and taking care of me with Tylenol and ice packs.
that there are a few less piles around my den. Only a few--with more to un-pile. But, every step towards organization is a reason to be thankful, yes?
that my caboose kiddo (the reason for the Mommy-Come-Lately website) is having so much fun in second grade! If she's happy, I'm happy!
that when my car door broke on Monday, the repair was a quick and inexpensive one. And that my marvelous husband ran over from work and lassoed the door shut so I could drive my car to the mechanics. What a guy!
for a sweet conversation with my younger sister today. We've played phone tag for weeks and weeks.
my mom celebrating her birthday this weekend--and loving her gift of a digi-photo frame! Yea!!
for all my Thankful Thursday friends!! You all are a highlight to my week and motivate me to be grateful for the next 7 days!!

Picking Up a Brick, Putting It Down

2008-08-26T22:29:00.002-06:00

Ah, me.
Will I ever learn?
I grabbed that old family heirloom of unforgiveness tonight--the one shaped like a brick--and held on to it. Tight.
At times, I felt like hurling that brick right at someone I loved.
Some things just come so naturally, you know?
But, after a while, I felt the unforgiveness burying me. Weighing me down like a ton of bricks.
And I knew that I faced a choice: Keep walking in unforgiveness or let it go.
So, I reached out and took my husband's hand--and let go of the unforgiveness.
And--wonderful, godly man that he is--he forgave me too.

I have a one word definition for marriage. Marriage = work.
WORK.
Don't get me wrong, all that work is worth it. But it's still work.
And some of the hardest work for me is choosing to be forgiving. Sometimes my husband does something and needs to be forgiven.
But,to be honest, there are plenty of times I just get upset at him. I'm just mad. And I convince myself that I have good reason to be mad.

This less than shining life moment is brought to you by me--an Accidental Pharisee who is choosing to let go of the Law and grab hold of the grace!

Just Thinking Out Loud: Where is God in the midst of all my less than shining moments? He's right there in the midst of them--offering me grace. Telling me not to cast the first brick. Reminding me to walk in a manner worthy (Colossians 1:10) and to clothe myself in Christ (Romans 13:14). Not so I can proclaim, "Look at me!"--but so I can look in the mirror and be amazed that God can be glorified even in an Accidental Pharisee.

Thankful Thursday # 12

2008-08-20T19:10:00.003-06:00

In peace I will both lie down and sleep; for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety.” ~ Psalm 4:8 (ESV ~ )

Psalm 4:8 has been one of my all-time most-treasured Bible verses for years and years and years.

I struggled with fear for most of my life. Only in the past 10 years have I walked in freedom from fear that kept me in bondage. I hated being by myself. I had nightmares. I hated the dark. I couldn't sleep at nights.

And wouldn't you know it? I married a doctor. Rob was gone a lot. That meant I was alone at night a lot.

I was afraid.

I was also a mom of little kiddos--and I didn't want them to grow up learning to be afraid. So, I acted like I wasn't afraid in front of them as I tucked them in bed at night.

And then it was me and a quiet house and my fear.

So I memorized Psalm 4:8.

There were countless nights I lay awake in my bed reciting "In peace I will both lie down and sleep, for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety . . ."

Over and over again.

I prayed it by faith.

I didn't feel safe. At times, the fear felt like it was smothering me.

But I chose to believe what God said in his word: I could crawl into my bed and lay down and be safe because God was watching over me.

Sometimes I pretended that God lived in the attic over my house--of course, I had to pretend there was attic too--and that he was just upstairs in his room while I was just downstairs in mine. Silly, I know. But, I felt better. And I never heard God laugh at me for that bit of foolishness.

There are a lot of things I could be thankful today. But I'm going to focus on this one thing: I am thankful for the steady anchor of God's word. I am thankful that God meets us at our greatest need and is sufficient for that need. And I am thankful that today I walk free of fear.

Thanks to Iris at Sting My Heart for hosting another Internet opportunity to be grateful!

Family Heirlooms Part 2

2008-08-20T00:01:00.000-06:00

Freefoto.com

Family heirlooms. Treasured items passed down from generation to generation. You can almost hear the whispered admonitions: "Whatever you do, don't lose this!" "Don't drop it!" "Be careful, this has been in our family for years!"

Last week, I shared about one of my family's heirlooms: masks.

As I read through 2 Corinthians 5, I was reminded once again of another family treasure that I held onto for too many years: unforgiveness. Paul talks about how we've been reconciled to God--and how we are now God's ambassadors. Verse 18 says we've been given "the ministry of reconciliation" to share with others.

And I thought about all those years I struggled with unforgiveness. I struggled to say, "I'm sorry" or to accept someone else's apology, no matter how heartfelt.

And, yes, I hate to admit that.

Like an oh-so-precious load of bricks, unforgiveness was passed down to me, generation to generation. I am not fault-finding here. I am not pointing fingers. I picked the load up and accepted it.

Carrying that load of unforgiveness, how could I be an ambassador of Christ? How could I participate in my God-given ministry of reconciliation?

The answer is painfully obvious.

Just Thinking Out Loud: Sometimes black and white is dangerous for an Accidental Pharisee like me. And sometimes, like now--looking at something in the stark shades of black and white is a very good thing. Holding onto unforgiveness hinders my participation in the ministry of reconciliation that God has called me to. It's not anything I haven't heard before--forgive others in the way I've been forgiven, right? But, I'm hearing it in a different way--and I hope I'm listening.

What's the word?

2008-08-17T23:53:00.004-06:00

" . . .Now all these things are from God, who reconciled us to Himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation, namely, that God was in Christ reconciling the world to Himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and He has committed to us the word of reconciliation." 2 Corinthians 5:18-19

I know a lot of people who have a favorite verse in the Bible.
I do too--it's Colossians 1:13. You can read the why of that on this post.

I also have a favorite word in the Bible.

RECONCILIATION

That is a wonder-filled word.

14 letters.

6 syllables.

And a whole lot of God's power jam-packed into that word: reconciliation.

It's a miracle, really.

In the margin of my Bible right next to 2 Corinthians 5: 18-19, I wrote the meaning of the word reconciliation: Enemies becoming friends.

Now, wait. Don't rush that.

Enemies--like Hatfield and McCoy, Capulet and Montague--you fill in the blank--those kind of "I hate you" relationships that can't be bridged.

And God's love is so much bigger than all that we can think or imagine. Even though he hates our sin, he loves us and he forgives us. He reconciles us to him. He makes his enemy--that would be me--into his friend.

And that is amazing.

Just Thinking Out Loud: I've been a believer for a long time now. Sometimes I'm a "me-of-little faith" believer. I think my mansion in heaven may be somewhere on the same street as the apostle Peter's mansion. But that's another blog.

Anyways, as the years of my faith walk go by, sometimes I forget. I forget how amazing my relationship with God is. I forget that I was once God's enemy and that his love--his sacrifice--made me his friend. I forget the beautiful magnitude of the truth that I have been reconciled with God.

Thankful Thursday #11--Back from vacation!

2008-08-13T22:03:00.003-06:00

I've so much to be thankful for this week--and it's all about last week when my husband Rob and I had 7 whole days together in Mexico on the Riviera Maya. What more can I say? Uninterrupted time to walk along the beach and hold hands and talk and relax and just be with my best friend . . .

The photos are just glimpses at some of our special moments--the Gulf of Mexico, a sunrise, Rob and I getting ready to tandem parasail--and, yes! that's us up in the air under that parachute!

I am so, so thankful for our older kiddos who kept up with our 7 year old so that we didn't have to worry about her while we enjoyed ourselves. One of my favorite moments was the day before Rob and I left. My daughter, Amy, and I were making a Starbucks run and she looked at me and said, "I'm so glad you and Dad still like each other--and that you want to spend a whole week together!"

Me too!

I also came back to find out I'd received a couple blogging awards from Nancie and Sharon B: the Friendship Award and the Share the Love award. They both blessed me so much!

Thanks to Iris at Sting My Heart for encouraging so many of us to be thankful--for creating a place on the Internet where our lives intersect in gratitude!

Family Heirlooms

2008-08-12T13:06:00.003-06:00

Got any family heirlooms around your house?

Treasured items passed down from one generation to the next?

I do.

But I'm not talking about a crystal vase or an antique ring.

I'm thinking of intangible but oh-so-real family heirlooms that we can't see--but we hold on to them year after year, decade after decade.

Like masks.

I don't remember my parents handing me a mask while I was growing up. But somewhere along the way, I learned to wear one. I got pretty comfortable with covering up my real emotions with a mask of "preferred" emotions as I tried to live up to others' expectations. I got pretty good at pretending to be someone I wasn't--trying to be someone I wished I was.

I didn't realize it, but in my family I participated in a masquerade ball.

I don't think family is meant to be a costumed affair. Do you?

I've spent a lot of years untying the strings of the mask I wore. Getting used to being seen without my mask. During the first year I dealt with the truth of my sexual abuse, I actually felt like I had a mask half on, half off my face.

How appropriate.

I've decided that I don't want to pass that family heirloom--masks of any kind--down to my children. I can think of other things I'd rather they treasure. Like one another.

Just Thinking Out Loud: For where my heart is, there will my treasure be also . . . that's what Scripture tells me. Sometimes you have to decide that what you've treasured needs to be trashed. Literally. I need to take a close look at what I've got stashed in my pile of "family keepsakes"--and decide if it's truly valuable or just something I've been told I've got to hold onto.

Choosing to Trust

2008-08-11T00:01:00.000-06:00

"On days when life is difficult and I feel overwhelmed, as I do fairly often, it helps to remember in my prayers that all God requires of me is to trust Him and be His friend. I find I can do that." ~Bruce Larson

I liked the simplicity of this quote.

But, true confession time again: I have not always found trusting God to be that easy.

Maybe it's because I have not always thought of God as my friend.

God, the friend of a pharisee, accidental or otherwise?

I don't think so.

And yet . . .

Was it that God wouldn't be my friend OR was it that I wouldn't let God be my friend? Was it, as someone once said, that my God was too small? Surely a great, big God could be gracious enough to love a pharisee.

If there wasn't enough grace for pharisees, why did Jesus talk with Nicodemus? He was a pharisee, after all.

If there wasn't enough grace for pharisees, then Saul (a.k.a. Paul) would have just kept walking the Damascus road--and never been brought to his knees by the power of a powerfully gracious God saying in an unmistakable way, "I have other plans for your life, Saul."

But back to trust . . .

Life is so crammed to the edges with hardships--mine and others. Sometimes I don't want to check my e-mail or answer my phone or read the headlines because, well, I'd just rather not know.

You know what I mean?

And yet, each conversation with a friend who is hurting or struggling with a physical or emotional heartache is another opportunity to trust God.

I can be overwhelmed by circumstances--and still choose to trust God.

Just Thinking Out Loud: This Accidental Pharisee likes the clarity of black and white--and yet, that is not the world I live in. Truth is, there are parts of God that are black and white--times when God makes complete sense to me. And then there are times when I have no idea why he said "No" to that prayer or "Yes" to that one . . . or why I'm still waiting for an answer.

And I have a choice.

To trust or to not trust God.

Trust is the better place to rest when life isn't making sense.

Thankful Thursday # 10--Posting in Abstentia

2008-08-07T00:01:00.000-06:00

If you're dropping by on Thankful Thursday, I'm not here today.

:O)

I'm on my first ever weeklong vacation with my husband. Yep, that's right! 1-2-3-4-5-6-7!! days together, just me and him! Can you guess what I'm thankful for this week? We're spending a week at the Riviera Maya in Mexico. Our older kiddos are taking care of my caboose kiddo, Christa. (If you're wondering what the "caboose kiddo" story is, check out my Mommy-Come-Lately Web site.)

And, about the photo: That was taken right after Rob and I ran for 30 minutes straight. No walk breaks in there at all.

Amazing that a non-runner like me is now running 3 miles, 3 times a week--and enjoying it.

Who would have thought?

Thanks to Iris for Thankful Thursday. And thanks to all the new friends I've met. I'll see y'all next Thursday.

Just a thought

2008-08-06T00:01:00.000-06:00

photo by Rob Vogt

"Sometimes the most important thing in a whole day is the rest we take between two deep breaths." ~Etty Hillesum

Pausing to refresh

2008-08-04T00:01:00.000-06:00

photo by Rob Vogt

"Rest when you're weary, Refresh and renew yourself, your body, your mind, your spirt. Then get back to work." ~ Ralph Marston

I'm experiencing a time of rest and refreshment this week.

And, as I walk along the beach, I know I'll feel God's presence.

I always sense God in the sound of waves and in the immenseness of the ocean.

I'm not overwhelmed so much as I am drawn to God's strength.

May you experience God's refreshing this week, wherever you are.

Thankful Thursday # 9

2008-07-31T07:39:00.000-06:00

With thanks to Iris at Sting My Heart for an opportunity to stop focusing on all the things I have to do--and instead consider all the reasons I have to be thankful!

Iris is talking about relationships this week over at her blog, so of course, I started thinking of all the relationships I've had in my life, both good and bad. And then I realized I have a lot to be thankful for because God has taught me all I ever needed to know about what makes a relationship good.

This week, I am thankful that God taught me that a good relationship is based on:

LOVE: Give thanks to the God of gods. His love endures forever. Psalm 136:2
FORGIVENESS: Who is a God like you, who pardons sin and forgives the transgression of the remnant of his inheritance? You do not stay angry forever but delight to show mercy. Micah 7:18
MERCY: ... he saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy. He saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit ... Titus 3:5
STEADFASTNESS: The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end ... Lamentations 3:22
SACRIFICE: For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. John 3:16

God forgives me when I don't get the relationship thing right--when I am unloving or unforgiving.

I am so thankful God isn't a 50-50 relationship kind of God--you know, where He waits for me to throw in my 50 percent of the effort before He does his part.

God gives more than 100 percent to have a reconciled relationship with me. If I keep my eyes on Him, I can learn alot about how to be in right relationship with others.

I Need a Hero

2008-07-30T00:01:00.001-06:00

For He rescued us from the domain of darkness, and transferred us to the kingdom of His beloved Son ... Colossians 1:13 (NAS)

I confess: I read romance novels.
I've discussed my romance reading habit with my two writing buddies, Tiffany and Scoti. Tried to explain why I like stories with a hero and a heroine and--most important of all--a happy ending.
when I pick up a romance novel, I know I am guaranteed a happily-ever-after.
Oh, sure, there will be trials and travails and misunderstandings along the way. Why don't Mr. Right and Miss Perfect for Him communicate?!
But, in the end, love wins out and wins all.
Ah--happy endings.
Why do I long for happy endings?
Because I didn't get them in my life.
Don't get me wrong here, friends.
I am married to a wonderful man who has loved me in a sacrificial, unconditional way.
But, we've had our portion of trials and travails.
And, as I've shared in this blog before, my heart has been broken by abuse and things that were anything but happy.
I guess you could say reading a romance is an escape.
And that's not such a bad thing, so long as the escape doesn't become the way of life.
Maybe my longing for a hero is why Colossians 1:13 is my favorite verse in the Bible.

For He rescued us from the domain of darkness, and transferred us to the kingdom of His beloved Son

Take a moment and read that verse out loud.

Doesn't it sound like something out of a romance--a daring rescue, darkness being replaced with light, love conquering all . . .

Just Thinking Out Loud: As I continue to accept my-story, I need to embrace all of it--the good, the bad, the ugly--and how God stepped in and brought the light. Yes, I need a hero. In God, I found a Redeemer. A God who reconciled me to him. A God who was bigger than all the unhappy moments in my life. My longing for romance just might be a God-created longing for him.

Fascinating, isn't it?

Fighting History

2008-07-28T00:01:00.004-06:00

I was flipping through my journal--one of my various journals, to be honest. I can never seem to have just one journal at a time.
Anyways, I was scanning over notes from one of my sessions with Wise Guy and came across this quote:

"...trying to make life what it can never be because your history is what it never should have been."

I'm pretty certain that's a direct quote from Wise Guy. I marked it with an * and then I underlined it.

I spent too many years trying to make my life what it can never be because my history was what it never should have been.

Now, truth be told, there were alot of years I denied my history. I didn't admit to my sexual abuse until I was in my mid-30s. (That's another blog post.) I told myself for years: I would never be one of those sexually abused people.

Now, why did I not even recognize that wasn't a normal thought?

I didn't like my history. That's an understatement. My history broke my heart. Damaged my soul.

There were too many years of my life I walked around pretending I was someone I wasn't. Is it so surprising I carried my pretense over into my relationship with God? I was presenting a false front to everyone else, why should it be any different with God?

But faking my past affected my future too. There were lies everywhere: past, present--and if I didn't change things, in my future.

I recall one morning sitting in my living room and trying to be still before God. Trying to listen to what He might say to me.

I heard the word Freedom.

It sounded as if someone standing right next to me whispered that word--and I opened my eyes and looked around.

I believed then, and I believe now, that God's Spirit whispered to my spirit: Freedom.

He wanted me to experience freedom.

But to do that I had to accept the harsh reality of my past. I had to stop pretending.

And I had to stop pretending day in and day out. I had to be the Beth he created me to be. Not the Beth I thought would impress others. Not the Beth I thought he wanted me to be. Not the Beth I wished I was when I looked in the mirror.

I'm still learning how to live in the light of that truth.

That's why I hang around Wise Guy. He's helping me figure it out.

Just Thinking Out Loud: The apostle Paul said it himself: He was a Pharisee of Pharisees. And there was no way he could change his-story. He killed believers. And yet God . . .

We Accidental Pharisees may be trying to alter our stories by being on our best behavior and glossing over the parts of our lives we wish had never happened.

And yet God . . .

We need to stop fighting history--my-story, your-story--and let God be God in the story.

Thankful Thursday # 8

2008-07-24T00:01:00.001-06:00

With thanks to Iris over at Sting My Heart, for a chance to practice "random acts of thankfulness" on this Thankful Thursday!

I've many little things to be thankful for this week--and one huge reason!

I'm focusing on the huge reason: my husband, Rob. We celebrated his birthday yesterday--and will celebrate again on Saturday when we meet up with our son and "daughter-in-love" for a day at WaterWorld. Our family believes there's no reason to limit birthday fun to one day!

I am eternally thankful for my husband because:

He told me how important his faith was to him--and challenged me about what I believed. All of this on our second date! Because of him, I became a believer--and we now have four children walking out their own faith journeys. Rob began the legacy of faith for our family.

He loves me just as I am--and it ain't always pretty. Living with a woman who has abuse in her background is a challenge for the most patient of men, which my husband is. He has loved me as Christ loves the church, sacrificing his needs for mine.

He makes me laugh harder and longer than anyone I know. Sometimes it's with just the right punch line--sometimes its just that certain look.

He dances with me in our kitchen--and with our daughters too.

He's always been willing to say "I'm sorry" first--even if I should have been the one to step up and admit to being wrong.

He supports my dreams.

He holds me when I cry.

He is man enough to watch a chick flick with me--and has taught me how to enjoy a good action movie every now and again.

He knows how to fix things and he knows how to ask for directions when he gets lost.

He is a man of deep faith, and God has used him to show me what unconditional love looks like.

Learning What to Wish For

2008-07-21T00:01:00.000-06:00

"Do not wish to be anything except what you are."

~St. Francis De Sales

If I could, I would like to ask St. Francis what prompted him to say, "Do not wish to be anything except what you are."

Oh, really? And why not?

There's a part of me that wants to argue with that statement. I want to insist that surely I can come up with a new-and-improved version of me.

Sound like a Pharisee, don't I?

There's part of me that has to confess that "me" has been distorted--by the actions of others and by my own actions.

There are days I am not even sure who or what I am, it's all gotten so horribly mixed up in my circumstances and my own efforts to fix things.

And then I remind myself that it's not all up to me to figure out who or what I am.

I have a Creator-God who made me in His image. Who made me with a purpose in mind. Who knew exactly what He was about when he formed me in my mother's womb (Psalm 139).

And those truths give me hope.

Just Thinking Out Loud: So maybe this Accidental Pharisee got lost along the way. Maybe when I look in the mirror I'm not too certain who is looking back at me. Is that the woman God intended me to be or is it the woman I thought I was supposed to be?

It's not irrepairable. God is a God of miracles--and he can help me see myself more clearly. He can teach me who he made me to be. He can show me what his purpose is for my life.

Thankful Thursday #7

2008-07-17T08:42:00.000-06:00

Trust God from the bottom of your heart; don't try to figure out everything on your own. Listen for God's voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; he's the one who will keep you on track. Don't assume that you know it all.

Proverbs 3:5-6 The Message

There was a time in my life that I ignored the wisdom of Proverbs 3:5-6. I leaned so heavily on my own understanding that I fell right into doubting God.

Another less than shining moment in my life.

But here is the amazing thing: God loved me through my time of doubt. He forgave me my time of doubt. He restored me into a right relationship with him when I asked forgiveness for doubting him.

And for all of that amazing, lavish grace, I am thankful.

I am also thankful for my friends who keep me steady when I feel unsure--when my walk of faith feels a little shaky. God has blessed me with sisters in Christ who surround me with prayer, who point me back to him when I wander a bit off course, who remind me of what I believe in when I forget, who hold out hope when mine is fading ...

Faith, Pamela, Cheryl, Chris, Fran, Terri, Barbara, Susie, Margo, Gloria, Scoti, Tiffany, Tami, Beth2, Kristen, Sue, Jeanne, Melea, Francie . . .

Where would I be without these women? Leaning too often on my own understading!

I am thankful for the use of my daughter's laptop to post this blog. We're vacationing in Estes Park--a beyond beautiful spot in the Rocky Mountains. Another reason to be thankful!!

Iris over at Sting My Heart, the wonderful sponsor of Thankful Thursday, blogged about Proverbs 3:5-6. Interesting--because Andy Stanley taught on that same verse this past Sunday. Not leaning on my understanding, but realizing God knows better than me.

Stained Glass Windows

2008-07-16T00:01:00.000-06:00

"The Lord takes broken pieces and by His love makes us whole." ~Stained glass window made from shattered windows, First United Methodist Church, Oklahoma City, across from the Murrah Federal Building

I've always loved the beauty of stained glass windows. And yet, the truth is, when I am gazing at the artistry, I am not thinking about the fact that such stunning creativity comes from brokenness. Bits and pieces of glass pieced together just so by a master craftsman.

There are times in my life when I have felt shattered into a thousand little pieces.

Broken beyond repair.

My heart has been wounded, overwhelmed by too much heartache. I've held a precious friend as she's cried--or wished that someone would hold me while I cried. I've been hurt, or I've realized that I've hurt someone else.

Moments like these are devastating.

And into such moments, God steps and offers his love. His hope. He takes my shattered life and makes it whole again.

Like a master craftsman, he pieces together the fragments of my life and makes them something beautiful--something that reflects his glory.

Just Thinking Out Loud: We Accidental Pharisees need to remember "But God . . ."

Life is so very painful . . .but God offers hope in the midst of our pain. Life is so wearying . . . but God offers his strength. Life is so disappointing . . . but God promises to wipe every tear from our eye and to never leave us or forsake us. He promises to be our refuge and our strength. When our lives are shattered, we need to offer the fragments to our loving God and ask him to create a stained glass window that reflects his glory.

Adequate

2008-07-14T00:01:00.000-06:00

My friend Kristen and I are doing a Bible study together. It's Kay Arthur's Lord, Give Me a Heart for You, a study based on 2 Corinthians.
Thanks to it being summertime and the fact that Kristen and I are both moms with kiddos who keep us hopping, we're not racing through the study.
And I'm okay with that. I'm thankful I'm taking it slow because it gives me more time to think about the truths I'm discovering--or rediscovering--and to make them personal.
The most recent truth is now emblazoned on my computer screensaver:

I am adequate because I am a child of God.

Pretty simple statement, that.

There's no additional clause added on, stating some thing I have to do or not do to make me adequate.

And, to be quite honest, that blows my whole Accidental Pharisee way of life right out of the water.

My relationship with God makes me adequate.

Period.

There's alot of things that have happened in my life that have told me I'm inadequate. Things I've done. Things that were done to me--like the abuse. People's less than favorable reaction to me. My own less than favorable reaction to me.

And, as an Accidental Pharisee, I wasted alot of time and effort trying to make myself feel adequate. And then I hoped someone noticed. I hoped God noticed.

Once again, I made my life much more complicated than it needed to be. The truth is, my adequacy comes from God, not from anything I do. Who says? God does in 2 Corinthians 3:5:

"Not that we are adequate in ourselves to consider anything as coming from ourselves , but our adequacy comes from God . . ."

Just Thinking Out Loud: Am I adequate? As a child of God, the answer is yes. I am adequate because I am God's daughter.

It's a simple--and as amazing as that.

Thankful Thursday # 6

2008-07-10T06:25:00.003-06:00

"It's not what you look at that matters, it's what you see."

~ Henry David Thoreau

With thanks to Iris over at Sting My Heart for hosting Thankful Thursdays--and encouraging women all over the blogosphere to be grateful.

I saw two double rainbows this week--on two separate days. Both times, they disappeared into grey clouds only to reappear again. And both times, I tried to capture the sight with my camera, with little success. You have to be at just the right angle to get a good photo of a rainbow.

There's a life lesson there.

There were some difficult times this past week. Grey clouds.

But God always provided rainbows during those times--reasons to be thankful. I just had to be looking for them.

This week I am thankful for:

my friend, Tiffany, over at Tea with Tiffany, who encouraged me to become a part of Thankful Thursday. She was right--this is a good, good community to be a part of.

my "running partner" husband, Rob. The fact that I can even call him my running partner is amazing. He's encouraged this oh-so-beginning runner to keep on through cold and wind--and that's in July in Colorado!

my family--my grown children and my caboose kiddo. That whole "through thick and thin" idea? We live that out with one another.

the just-too-trendy box of clothes my younger sister sent to my 7-year-old. The entire time we unpacked it, Christa jumped up and and down and started sorting out which outfits to where when.

an early to bed night finally!!

the reminder that in oh-so-many ways, I am living my dreams. I found my true love. I have wonderful kiddos. I'm writing and I'm published.

the constant truth that God's mercies are new every morning and His faithfulness is great and that He lavishes His grace on me.

It Don't Come Easy

2008-07-09T00:01:00.000-06:00

"Never forget the three powerful resources you always have available to you: love, prayer, and forgiveness." ~H. Jackson Brown Jr.

I am about to share a less than wonderful truth about myself.
Forgiveness does not come easily to me.
It is easier for me to hold a grudge than it is for me to forgive someone.
I have on occasion said that unforgiveness is an heirloom passed down in my family from generation to generation.
So, you see, I had my reasons for being unforgiving. I was born and bred to it.
And then I became a believer. By choice. No one forced me to believe the truth of who God is and how he reconciled me to himself through the death of his son, Jesus.
Over time, I realized things had to change. I had to change.
Following God meant learning to forgive.
Talk about dying to myself. To the way I wanted to do things.
I wanted to hold onto hurts--heart wounds--and never, ever forgive the persons who had hurt me.
And I felt justified in my unforgiveness.
I just didn't feel very Christlike. When I looked in the mirror, I didn't see the image of God. I saw an angry, unforgiving woman.
Not a pretty sight.
I remember one day when I, once again, wrestled with forgiving someone. I fell to my knees beside my bed and buried my head in my arms.
"God, I can't do this!"
Do you know what God said to me--in that inner soft voice you hear in your heart?
"I know you can't. Let me help you forgive."
I stayed on my knees and cried. God knew I couldn't forgive--even though I wanted to. And, you know what? He still loved me and wanted to help me do what I couldn't. Amazing grace, isn't it?

Just Thinking Out Loud: We Accidental Pharisees aren't very good at forgiveness. First, we act like we don't need any. We pretend to be "practically perfect in every way" a la Mary Poppins. And we don't like offering forgiveness to others. Why is that? Maybe because it demands relationship. Maybe because it requires grace. Maybe because when we forgive we look more like God and less like ourselves.

Relationship

2008-07-07T00:16:00.000-06:00

"Basically, the only thing we need is a hand that rests on our own, that wishes it well, that sometimes guides us." ~Hector Bianciotti, Sans La Misericorde du Christ

I am a relationship oriented person. Relationships are vitally important to me.

This is not to say that I am good at relationships. Sometimes I am. Sometimes I am not. Relationships go horribly awry--and it is my fault.

I believe that God is relationship oriented. This is not to say God is like me. Rather, that my heart's desire just may be a glimpse of God's character within me.

And you know what?

Sometimes I am good at this relationship with God. And sometimes I am not.

How can I get it so wrong, when relationships are so, so important to me?

I really don't know.

I think sometimes I try too hard. I make it too complicated. I let unrealistic expectations--mine and others--trip me up.

Other times, I don't try hard enough in a relationship. I stop short of forgiving. Or, rather than saying, "Fascinating, isn't it?" when someone annoys me or hurts me or makes me angry, I just withdraw and think, "They are wrong."

Trying too hard and not trying hard enough--both in my earthly relationships and in my relationship with God.

And still, I long for relationship with God. With others.

And I think that is a God-given longing.

Which means, tomorrow I try again.

Thinking Out Loud: We Accidental Pharisees can avoid relationships by getting all caught up with the dos and the don'ts and the wills and the won'ts. We can avoid a relationship with God. We can avoid relationships with others that will give us a glimpse of God's grace. And yet, God's heart is one that longs for relationship. God is all about love and redeeming and reconciliation--all things that happen within the context of relationship.

Happy Fourth of July!

2008-07-04T00:01:00.000-06:00

Wishing you a Happy Fourth of July!

And thank you to all the men and women in the military--and their families--for their service to our country.

Thankful Thursday #5

2008-07-03T00:01:00.001-06:00

It was for freedom that Christ set us free; therefore keep standing firm and do not be subject again to a yoke of slavery. ~ Galatians 5:1 (NASB)

With grateful thanks to Iris at Sting My Heart for hosting Thankful Thursdays!

Galatians 5:1 was the first Scripture verse I ever memorized. At the time I was a brand new baby Christian. I didn't even know there was a book of Galatians in the Bible! That was 28 years ago, and God has been teaching me about standing firm in my freedom for every one of those years.

You see, I was raised in a legalistic church. Yes, I believed in God, but I didn't have a relationship with him until I was 21. And I confess that I brought some of my oh-so-familiar legalistic tendencies with me into my relationship with God. And others encouraged me to keep them--and added more layers of legalism.

But every time I read Galatians 5:1 I remember that Jesus died to give me freedom not legalism.

And for that, I am eternally grateful.

And, with July 4th coming up, I am thankful for our military too. I have two friends whose husbands died while serving in foreign countries. The ultimate sacrifice. I am thankful for their service and their sacrifice. And I am thankful I live in a country where freedom is protected.

Ponder This

2008-06-30T00:01:00.001-06:00

"Ponder this: If the Father is satisfied with His Son's full payment for sin, and we are in His son, by grace through faith, then He is satisfied with you and me."

~ The Grace Awakening, Charles R. Swindoll

If I believed that God was satisfied with me, I would be living my life differently.

Somehow, someway, somewhere along the way I decided that God was dissatisfied with me. I don't know if someone told me this--although I have a feeling a lot of someones told me this.

And I believed them.

And I also believed that I could never, ever in a million years satisfy God.

And you know what?

That's true. I never could satisfy God.

But isn't that why Jesus came and died on the cross? To satisfy the cost of my sins--and yours?

So, it's satisfied. God is satisfied.

And I don't have to satisfy him.

He is satisfied with me.

I just paused long enough to say those words out loud. The phonetics of those 6 words make it sound like one long exhale: He is satisfied with me.

Try it. Say those words out loud.

He is satisfied with me.

There's a feeling of release when I say those words.

If I will grasp the true meaning of those words such an overwhelming burden will be lifted off of me. Maybe I let someone else put it there at first. But I've allowed the burden of trying to please God to stay there.

No longer.

God is satisfied with me.

Just Thinking Out Loud: Radical thinking, this. An Accidental Pharisee has to shrug off all the shoulds and coulds and musts and realize that God is satisfied. I've heard it said many, many times: There is nothing I can do that will make God love me less. There is nothing I can do that will make God love me more.

Do I believe it?

Thankful Thursday #4

2008-06-26T00:01:00.001-06:00

The doors we open and close each day decide the lives we live.
— Flora Whittemore

Thanks to Iris at Sting My Heart for hosting Thankful Thursdays!

I couldn't wait for Thankful Thursday this week! I knew what I was going to be thankful for days ago!
My husband and I, along with our caboose kiddo, went camping last weekend with another family. Our friends, Mary and Doug, also have a late-in-life child. But, where I am a repeater--i.e. I have 3 much older children and then my surprise blessing--Mary was a first-time mom at 46.
But that's another blog post.
The camping trip gave me so many reasons to be thankful. Things like:

falling asleep to the sound of a rushing mountain stream a few yards from our pop-up camper.

the sticky sweetness of melt-in-my mouth marshmellows toasted just right: lightly brown on the outside and soft and warm on the inside.

the joyous sound of my daughter's laughter as she caught her first fish--a 14 inch rainbow trout.

the comfortable friendship with Doug and Mary. No stress. No tension. Just friends camping together and enjoying each others' company. They didn't even laugh when I tried to cool the container of orange juice in the river--and the current pulled it downstream.

venturing into Crested Butte for lunch and regular bathrooms. I'm not a big fan of port-a-potties, which is all there was at our campsite--even if they were enclosed, lighted and had posters of birds and flowers on the walls. Oh, look! Wallpaper!

looking up at the sky at night and seeing hundreds of stars. Hundreds.

absolutely perfect weather. Blue skies. Puffy white clouds. Warm weather that wasn't too warm. And cool mountain nights that made me snuggle up with my husband in our joint sleeping bag.

the fun two kids can have looking for rocks and bugs and ant hills and flowers and whatever else caught their fancy.

a husband who is willing to do all the driving and let me doze in the passenger seat.

the beauty of Monarch Pass (going) and Cottonwood Pass (returning home).

No Assembly Required

2008-06-23T00:01:00.002-06:00

" . . . But by the grace of God I am what I am . . ." 1 Corinthians 15:10 (NASB)

Here's how my friend Mike put it tonight when we were talking about grace ("we" being our Bible study fellowship group):

"We want to attach things to grace. We think, 'It can't be that simple.'"

And then you put that kind of pharisaical thinking up against 1 Corinthians 15:10 where Paul says, "I am what I am."

And that's when you realize:

I don't have to try to be more
I don't have to pretend to be someone I'm not
I don't have to dress myself up in Pharsee-do-isms

I am what I am--and by grace, God accepts me.

No assembly required. I don't have to go rummaging around for any missing parts or any added spiritual doo-dads or thingamabobs to spruce myself up.

I am what I am--and by grace, God accepts me.

Just Thinking Out Loud: There's a lot of freedom for an Accidental Pharisee in 1 Corinthians 15:10. Paul was a Pharisee on purpose. A Pharisee of Pharisees. And yet he is able to say, "I am what I am"--and by grace, God accepts me.

Take that thought captive, friend--and embrace the freedom it offers.

Thankful Thursday # 4

2008-06-19T07:26:00.002-06:00

Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day.
— Anonymous

As I read other bloggers' reasons to be thankful, I think, "Oh, yeah! Me too! I should have said I was thankful for (fill in the blank.)" Now obviously, I don't mean I'm thankful for the specifics in other people's lives--but the "Big Beats"--that's where gratitude often intersects in the lives of believers.
Today I am thankful for:

the cool Colorado breeze wafting through the windows. It's so pleasant to wake up to--and I know that within a few hours, it will be displaced by 80 degree weather

running with my husband--and the amazing fact that I'm running faster. Not fast, mind you. Just faster than I have been. And I'm running 5 minute intervals, which is quite a jump from my 2-3 minute intervals. I feel like a runner. (I don't know what I look like to all those people in the cars driving past me, but I haven't heard anybody laughing.)

my writers group--all three of us. We had a wonderful session yesterday of encouragement and editing--and a time when all 3 of us were editing my article out loud at the same time and I scrambled to keep up marking changes and deletions. It was a beautiful moment to see all of us using our talents.

the late-night laughter my husband and I shared with our two oldest daughters. We gathered around my computer (How odd is that!?) and watched some hilarious YouTube clips. And laughed and laughed and laughed. Sure, Rob and I had work to do . . . but the time was better spent with our daughters.

a bit more breathing space, now that my caboose kiddo's recital is over and her swim classes are finished and the magazine I edit has gone to print. A few less things to do these days before the next round of busyness.

the simplicity of my relationship with God right now. I know I could take a wrong turn and start complicating things again--it tends to be what we Accidental Pharisees do. But, for now, God and I are in a good place. I savor the lack of guilt that is tainting my interaction with God.

Thank you to Iris for encouraging me--and so many others--to take time to be thankful.

Keeping It Simple

2008-06-18T00:01:00.000-06:00

"The simplest things are often the truest." ~ Richard Bach, writer

I've been keeping it pretty simple between God and I lately.

No grand schemes to read through the Bible in a week or memorize all the Psalms by the end of June.

None of that.

I've just let God know that I want to be in relationship with him. That time with him is important to me. That I want to make it a priority--and that I'm sorry when I don't. And more than that, I miss him when I don't have time with him.

I'm reading in the book of Joshua right now. Why? Because I'm intrigued by the cities of refuge and you can read about them in the book of Joshua. I'm journaling what I discover along the way.

I'm praying for several friends battling cancer and one whose son is recovering from a life-threatening accident and another whose daughter is in a heartbreaking relationship.

I am praying for my husband and my children and my friends and my family. And for myself.

See? I'm keeping it simple.

And you want to know the amazing thing? I like where I am with God right now.

He knows I love him.

I know he loves me.

I know he wants to spend time with me.

He knows I want to spend time with him.

That's what you call a relationship.

Just Thinking Out Loud: I can hear Wise Guy saying, "Fascinating, isn't it?" as I explore a different relationship with God. A relationship not based on dos and don'ts--but rather, one based on wants. I want to be in relationship with God more than I want to be a performance based Accidental Pharisee.

To Good to be True

2008-06-16T09:07:00.004-06:00

"Grace focuses on who God is and what He has done, and takes the focus off ourselves. And yet it's so easy to think we need to do something to earn God's favor, as though God's grace is to good to be true." ~ Charles Swindoll, The Grace Awakening

I often say I don't "get" grace.

I know I've received grace.

I just don't get it.

But I've decided to not say that anymore.

Or, at least, I'm going to try and say that less.

The truth is, I can "get" grace. God did not mean for me to be eternally frustrated by his means of reconciliation, which is grace.

Sure, living out grace may seem like a foreign language to an Accidental Pharisee like me. But, if I can comprehend high school French--and I did--then I can ask God to help me understand his grace. If I can learn sign language--and I did--then I can read the Word and watch others whose lives overflow with grace and come to a better understanding of grace.

I like how Charles Swindoll says, "Grace focuses on who God is and what He has done and takes the focus off ourselves."

I think those are steps 1, 2 and 3 for learning more about grace:

1. Take the focus off me

2. Focus more on God and who He is

3. Focus on what He has done for me.

Just Thinking Out Loud: Accidental Pharisees like to make things harder than they need to be. I don't need to go back to square one and figure out who God is. I've had a relationship with him for years now. He's remained faithful to me through the good and the bad times--and the times when I've been less than faithful to him.

Who is God? He is faithful. What has he done for me? He has loved me despite my Accidental Pharisee-ism, when I've diluted his grace with my "Doesn't-this-make-me-just-a-bit-more-acceptable" efforts.

Who have you discovered God to be? What has he done for you?

Thankful Thursday #3

2008-06-12T00:01:00.000-06:00

" I would maintain that thanks are the highest form of thought; and that gratitude is happiness doubled by wonder. "
— G.K. Chesterton

Iris over at Sting My Heart, who hosts Thankful Thursdays, focused on Scripture verses she is thankful for. I so liked her idea, I decided to do the same. These are verses that you will find penned on the inside cover of my Bible . . . my life verses. My life preservers.

Psalm 51:6 Behold, You desire truth in the innermost being, And in the hidden part You will make me know wisdom. (NASB)

Psalm 62:11-12a One thing God has spoken, two things have I heard: that you, O God, are strong, and that you, O Lord, are loving . . . (NIV)

Isaiah 26:3 You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you. (NIV)

Proverb 26:2 Like a fluttering sparrow or a darting swallow, an undeserved curse does not come to rest. (NIV)

Psalm 115:1 Not to us, O LORD, not to us but to your name be the glory, because of your love and faithfulness. (NIV)

Philippians 1:6 For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus. (NASB)

Colossians 1:13 For He rescued us from the domain of darkness, and transferred us to the kingdom of His beloved Son . . . (NASB)

2 Corinthians 12:9 And He has said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness " Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me.

And one last one:

"We throw open our doors to God and discover at the same moment that he has already thrown open his door to us. We find ourselves standing where we always hoped we might stand--in the wide open spaces of God's grace..." —Romans 5:2 The Message

Who You Doing It For?

2008-06-09T00:01:00.000-06:00

And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.
Colossians 3:17 (NLT)

Colossians is my favorite book in the Bible. I once taught a weekend retreat on the book of Colossians.

I don't know if anyone else learned anything during that time.

I know I did.

God used all the time leading up to the retreat to prune me. To convict me of sin. To bring me to my knees and make me wonder, "Am I really supposed to get up in front of these women and try to tell them anything?"

I came across Colossians 3:17 tonight and read it through the eyes of an Accidental Pharisee on her way to retirement.

I saw the word "do" in the verse. Twice, within the first 10 words. Ah, yes. Something for a Pharisee to grab hold of. Something to do.

And then I realized the second "do" is part of a qualifying statement: do it all in the name of the Lord.

Oh.

A Pharisee is all about look-at-me.

This verse says my life should be all about look-at-God-in-me. What I do should not obscure him. It should reveal him.

And at the same time, I should be thanking God.

Not focusing on me.

Focusing on God--and all reasons I should be saying thank you to him.

Just Thinking Out Loud: Colossians 3:17 doesn't say I shouldn't do anything. It acknowledges that I will be doing things. Saying things. It just instructs me to do them to honor God. I've recently made a decision to do some thing that could become all about me. Warning. Warning. Warning. I best make sure the do-ing isn't about me (How am I doing, God? Are you pleased with me? Everybody else like me?) and prayerfully submit the do-ing to honor God.

Me, Myself and I

2008-06-06T00:01:00.000-06:00

"It should not be hard work just to be yourself." ~Unknown

Wise Guy has lots of sayings posted up around his office. A few photos. Some cartoons, including a Calvin and Hobbes. There's a lot of wisdom in Calvin and Hobbes.

The other day I read this saying again, for probably the hundredth time:

"It should not be hard work just to be yourself."

Oh, yeah?

Says who?

There's a beautiful whisper of freedom in those 10 words.

And yet it's one of the most difficult things I've ever tried to be: myself.

Me got twisted up in mistakes I made. Mistakes other people made at the cost of me.

By the time I got around to asking the question, "Who am I?" I couldn't see the original, untarnished version of me.

I can tell you the Me I want to be.

I can tell you the Me I want you to think I am.

I can tell you the Me I wish I was.

But all of those versions of Me take a lot of effort.

I'd like to try the easier version of Me.

And I think that takes grace.

"It's in Christ that we find out who we are and what we are living for. Long before we first heard of Christ . . . he had his eye on us, had designs on us for glorious living, part of the overall purpose he is working out in everything and everyone." Ephesians 1:11 (Msg)

Just Thinking Out Loud: I hope Wise Guy leaves that saying up for a long time. This Accidental Pharisee needs to be reminded that it shouldn't be such an effort to be myself. Effort = Doing.

Thankful Thursday #2

2008-06-05T00:01:00.001-06:00

"God gave you a gift of 86,400 seconds today. Have you used one to say "thank you?" ~William A. Ward

I've been looking forward to Thankful Thursday since last week. It was fun to focus on my reasons to be grateful--and even more fun to peek into the lives of others and see their reasons to be grateful.

Today I am thankful for:

the chance to go running with my husband, Rob. Well, to be honest, we go walk/running. I'm a beginner at this and am still working on the whole time/distance/interval challenge. But the best part is that this is something my husband and I are doing together. And at the end of each run, we clasp hands and tell each other, "Good job!"
the chance to connect with each one of my 4 siblings and both of my parents this week. I live in Colorado--they all live on the east coast. So it's nice to look back and realize I had the chance to chat with all of them.
my health. I shouldn't take it for granted, especially since 2007 was a year of extended illness for me. And I have several close friends/family members who are struggling with health problems. When you feel good, sometimes you just take it for granted.
my children. They make me laugh. They make me proud. They teach me about forgiveness and courage and living life to the fullest.
grace. I don't "get" grace. It's too wide-open and unconditional for an Accidental Pharisee for me. But I know I need it. I desire it. I really, really don't want life to be all about Law and dos and don'ts. I am thankful that I wake up each morning and God's mercies are new--and I can start again, without the mistakes of yesterday and the day before and the day before that hanging over me.

Thank you, Iris, at Sting My Heart, for hosting Thankful Thursday.

Walking the Broken Road

2008-06-02T00:01:00.000-06:00

"Every long lost dream led me to where you are

Others who broke my heart, they were just Northern stars

Pointing me on my way into your loving arms . . ." ~ Bless the Broken Road

Two of my favorite groups sing "Bless the Broken Road": Selah and Rascal Flatts. So, depending on whether you tune your radio to Christian or country, you've probably heard this song.
I realize the song's open to interpretation. Is the singer talking about the arms of a true love or the arms of God?
You tell me.
Depending on my mood, I hear the song either way.
Tonight, as I play "Bless the Broken Road" over and over again, I am thinking of God's arms.
I like to think that my heartaches--the man-made ones and the me-made ones--all pointed me to the God who loved me, who waited with wide-open arms.
I like to think that when I made wrong turns along my life's road, God didn't stomp his foot in frustration. I think He waited for me. With his arms wide open.
I like to think that when I didn't love myself--when I didn't think anyone else loved me--that God still did.
Pharisee that I am, I forget this.
And, you know what?
God still loves me.

Just Thinking Out Loud: We Accidental Pharisees like to think it's all the right things we do that get us to God. But just like everyone else, we walk a broken road. And the ones who broke our hearts can be the Northern stars that point us to God's loving arms.

Children and Pharisees

2008-05-30T00:31:00.001-06:00

"But Jesus said, 'Let the children come to me and do not forbid it; for of such is the kingdom of heaven.'"

Matthew 19:14

Children can spot a fraud.
My children have forced me to be real, whether I wanted to be or not. Life as a mom is just so up-close and personal with kiddos . . . and their imperfections bump into my imperfections. My "I've got it all together" pretense is shattered.
Maybe that's why Jesus liked children. They are so real. Open. Honest.
Jesus is so real. And, when he walked this earth, he was too open and too honest for the Pharisees. His honesty trumped their fraudulent attempts to be good. And they just hated that. It set their teeth on edge.
Wise Guy talks a lot about kingdom living, having a kingdom mindset. I know I've still got things to learn about that. It's one of the reasons I hang around Wise Guy: He knows some things I need to learn.
Living in the kingdom must have something to do with being like a child. Living honestly, not fraudulently.

Just Thinking Out Loud: Just for today, God, let me live honestly. Let me put aside my Accidental Pharisee attempts to be good. Instead, let me be real. Like a child is real. And may it be pleasing to you. Not in a "Do you like me now?" way. But in a "Now you're being who I meant you to be" way.

Thankful Thursday

2008-05-29T00:31:00.003-06:00

"In everything, give thanks."

At the encouragement of my friend, Tiffany, I am taking time to be thankful.

I am thankful that God's love is new every morning, that I can't wear it out by making mistakes--and then making the same stupid mistake again. And again.

I am thankful God's love is steadfast, that it isn't a wishy-washy "maybe he does, maybe he doesn't" kind of love.

I am thankful God's love is unconditional, even though I struggle to comprehend a love without a lot of if-thens attached to it.

And I am thankful for the simple things that really aren't so simple.

My seven-year-old's smile

Falling asleep in my husband's arms

Hearing my daughters' laughter as they sit up too late at night talking

Seeing my son embrace his wife

Friends who have my back and believe in my dreams as much as I do

Thankfulness. An antidote to phariseeism.

And thank you, Iris at Sting My Heart, for hosting Thankful Thursday.

Memorial Day 2008

2008-05-26T00:30:00.000-06:00

Whatever else you do this Memorial Day, please take time to remember those who sacrificed thier lives in service to America.

Here's an article about the origins of Memorial Day, with a list of 15 Simple Ways to Remember the Day.

The Simplest Things

2008-05-23T06:34:00.003-06:00

The simplest things move me forward in my faith.
Reading a passage of Scripture at the beginning--or the end--of the day. Or both.
Playing worship music. Singing along. Or not.
Admitting to someone that I've been less-than Christ-like in my actions. I've doubted. I've been unforgiving. I've been too harsh or judgmental.
Saying "Thank you" for the blessings in my life.
Posting Scripture up on my kitchen cabinets so that I see it during the day and am reminded of the truth. Here's my newest one:
The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases,
His mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning;
great is thy faithfulness.
"The LORD is my portion," says my soul, therefore I will hope in him."
~Lamentations 3:22-24

Just Thinking Out Loud: This Accidental Pharisee has to remember to keep it simple. Stop making faith oh-so complicated. Jesus didn't. I shouldn't.

On another note:The news about musician's Steven Curtis' Chapman's family deeply grieves me. Their youngest daughter, Maria Sue, 5, was killed in a tragic car accident. Please surround this family with your prayers.

A Less Than Shining Moment--That God Redeemed

2008-05-21T21:32:00.000-06:00

I'd rather write about something else.
A wonderfully victorious moment in my life.
A look-at-me moment.
We Accidental Pharisees thrive on those kinds of moments.
But what I experienced yesterday was a less-than-shining-moment. I got tripped up, once again, by anger. I was A-N-G-R-Y.
Again.
Seems like anger is stalling out my spiritual life quite a bit the last few days--at least since last Thursday.
It was that whole I'm-Right-and-The-Other-Person-is-Wrong scenario.
So, there I was. Stuck.
And I'm in Wal-Mart. Grabbing a few necessities, fuming as I went from aisle 5 to aisle 9 and then to the Express Checkout Lane.
The guy in front of me has five or six items. He's wearing bike shorts and a jersey and toting a backpack--and he's hot and sweaty.
I watch as he begins to search his backpack. Within seconds, he realizes he doesn't have his wallet. The checker has already rung up his groceries--but he doesn't have any money. So he tells her to cancel the sale. He doesn't get flustered. He just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Oh, well. No wallet." And gets ready to leave.
Something prompts me: Help the guy out.
And so I say, "How much is his bill? I'll pay it."
The guy offers to give me his name, but I tell him that he doesn't need to do that.
"God bless you," I said--because I knew God prompted me to pay his bill.
And I smile.
He walked out with his groceries.
I walked out less angry.
Being kind to a stranger loosened the grip of anger on my heart.
I realized that if I could be kind to a stranger--couldn't I be forgiving to someone I love?
Yes.
Sure, that man went home with his groceries.
But I think I received the more valuable thing in that transaction, don't you?

Just Thinking Out Loud: This Accidental Pharisee is forever amazed at how God can show up in the most unexpected places--Wal-Mart, the checkout line--and redeem the less-than-shining-moments of her life.

The End of the Story

2008-05-19T07:36:00.003-06:00

Last Friday I was angry.
By the end of the day, I was reconciled.
I like being reconciled better.
Reconciled: making an enemy your friend.
The person who made me so angry apologized.
And, reality is, the person didn't mean to make me angry. The person was never my enemy.
It's just that something this person did stepped on an wounded area of my heart and I reacted out of my past experience--not out of the truth of what was going on.
Life is tricky. I'm learning that past hurts have left land mines in my emotional make up. These land mines can get detonated by someone else's words or actions when I least expect it.
It creates a real mess, let me tell you.
I'm trying to uncover the land mines. Trying to find the trip wires, if you will. Tedious work.
But if I want to be in relationship with others, it is worth the effort.

Thinking Out Loud: A mantra for an Accidental Pharisee: Relationship before being Right. Relationship before being Right.

Black and White

2008-05-16T00:30:00.000-06:00

I'm angry.
A-N-G-R-Y.
And I feel like I have good reason to be angry.
It makes perfect, black and white sense to me.
What This Person did is wrong.
And I am right in saying that what This Person did is wrong.
(And, Wise Guy, if you're reading this post: "This Person" is not my husband Rob!)
Now this is when I should pull out that old math equation and start telling myself that there's an x factor that I don't know about.
I don't care about This Person's x factor.
I'm angry.
This is when I should say something like, "Fascinating, isn't it?"
No, it's not fascinating. It's irritating.
I have asked myself why I'm so angry. ANGRY.
It's because what This Person did was inconsiderate. It made me feel devalued.
(Ah, there's the point, isn't it, Wise Guy?)
But the bottom line is I want to stay in the very black and white moment and not see any gray at all. I don't want to know why This Person did what they did. I don't what reasons or excuses.
I want to be right.
And I want This Person to be wrong.
I am at my Pharisaical best.
Have I never done something wrong? Have I never done something that devalued someone else? Have I never hurt someone else? Have I never made someone else ANGRY?
When I am wrong, do I want to be told how wrong I am--or do I want to be forgiven?
I know one thing: I don't want to be a pharisee. But if I looked in the mirror right now I'd see a bunch of self-righteousness clinging to me like the robes the biblical pharisees wore. No one else can see them--but God can because he looks at the heart.

Just Thinking Out Loud: I like things black and white. Then I can say with authority what is RIGHT and what is WRONG. I especially like it when I am RIGHT. God, help me be more gray. Less about RIGHT and WRONG. More about FORGIVENESS and GRACE. Help me to remember I'm an Accidental Pharisee on her way to retirement . . . one step at a time.

True Confession

2008-05-14T00:30:00.000-06:00

"Am I going to be so arrogant to demand more of myself than God does?"

~ Question raised by Brennan Manning

Well, yes.

I hate to admit it, but I did just that: I raised the bar on myself--higher than what God ever set for me--and then said, "Watch me, God. How am I doing?"

And, if I'd been listening, I would have heard God say, "I didn't ask you to do that. Where did you come up with that idea?"

A number of years ago, I was part of a women's Bible study teaching team. It was a delight to be involved with these women: Cheryl and Sandy and Faith and Chris and Barbara. (And yes, I know you weren't teaching, Barbara, but we couldn't have managed without you!) With them I experienced the true meaning of ministry.

But that's another blog.

One year, we taught on Covenant. I know we learned a lot of things, but this is the one thing I remember: The Israelites got it wrong.

God handed down all the laws to Moses. Then Moses told the Israelites, "This is what we've got to do--all of this."

You know what the Israelites said?

"Sure thing. We can do all that." (Beth's paraphrase)

And that's where the Israelites got it wrong.

What they should have said was, "There is no way we can do all this! There is no way we can keep the Law! Is there another option?"

They should have thrown themselves on God's mercy.

And you know what God would have said?

He would have said, "As a matter of fact, I do have another way. It's called grace. It's going to appear wrapped up in a little baby born of a virgin many years from now. Do you believe that?"

There's a reason for Law--but it's not how we come into relationship with God. Do's and don'ts never equal relationship. They equal guilt.

Just Thinking Out Loud: Being a Pharisee--accidental or intentional--is rooted in arrogance. Grace is rooted in humility. Thre's a choice there. I can make my life all about me. Or I can make my life all about God--and his grace.

This I Know

2008-05-12T00:30:00.000-06:00

"The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases ... "

~Lamentations 3:22

I spent yesterday afternoon with the kiddos and Rob's mom. It being Mother's Day, Rob's mom and I were instructed to relax. It was odd--in a very nice way--to do just that. My daughters and daughter-in-love and my son prepared a wonderful lunch. Rob grilled steaks and chicken. Josh made his specialty: angel food cake from scratch. Afterwards, I received some wonderful gifts. My children certainly know what their mom likes.

But I gotta' tell you, the cards they gave me--and the words they wrote inside those cards--mean more to me than their oh-so-wonderful gifts.

Later that evening, Rob and I went for a walk. It was so, so nice to look back on the day. You know what I realized? I know that my four children love me. I mean, deep down in my heart, I know that I know that I am loved by them.

Sure, we've had our ups and downs and times when they didn't like me and I didn't like them ... that's just real life. Although, looking back, it wasn't them I didn't like. It was usually something they'd done or not done. (You'll have to check with them about whether they really didn't like me or not.)

And right on the heels of that wonderful realization--that I know my kiddos love me--I thought: Why is it that I struggle with knowing God loves me?

God and I've talked a lot about that in the past couple of years. I've asked him to let me know he loves me. Not head knowledge--heart knowledge. I want to feel like God loves me. I don't want to say it just because it's true. (I mean, I do know the right answer!)

And he's answered that prayer. I have felt deep down in my heart God's love for me.
And then I lose that feeling.

Why?

Because I think God's love is conditional.

He loves me.
He loves me not.
He loves me.
He loves me not.

God would change that refrain:

He loves me.
He loves me.
He loves me.
He loves me.

Thinking Out Loud: We Accidental Pharisees would do well to meditate on Lamentations 3:22 and remember that God's love is steadfast. Firmly fixed in place. Not subject to change.
Sure, he may not like something I do. But he loves me, he loves me, he loves me, he loves me.

Consider This

2008-05-09T00:30:00.000-06:00

"If you're afraid of God, you don't know him." ~ Brennan Manning

That quote is one of the first ones I wrote down during the retreat I attended last weekend.

Brennan Manning said it--but is it true? What about all those "Fear God" Scriptures? Deuteronomy 10:12 says,"And now, O Israel, what does the LORD God ask of you but to fear the LORD your God . . ."

A Pharisee--Accidental or otherwise--will jump on that "Thou Shalt" and do it--waiting for God's approval. Fear God? I can do that!

But does fearing God mean I am afraid of him?

Brennan Manning said, in this context, fear means silent wonder, affectionate awe, a radical amazement at the infinite God.

If you take the time to do a little word study on the Hebrew word for fear, you'll find out Brennan Manning is right.

God doesn't want me to be afraid of him.

He wants me to be amazed by him.

Only by knowing God can I be amazed by him. Only by understanding who he is can I be overcome by awe.

If I'm keeping my distance because I'm thinking God's out to get me--then I don't know God.

And I confess: There have been too many years when I didn't know God. I settled for fear rather than amazement.

Just Thinking Out Loud: We Accidental Pharisees often have a fear-based relationship with God. We're afraid that if we don't do things right enough, God will not be pleased with us. We're trying to build a bridge to God--a bridge made up of all our right actions. It spans a chasm filled with all our mistakes. If I'm so caught up being scared of God, I don't know him--and I'm missing out on all the opportunities to stand before him and be amazed by who he is and what he has done in my life.

Wise Guy Trumps Brennan Manning

2008-05-07T00:30:00.000-06:00

I know I said I'd be sharing more about my recent retreat, the one featuring Brennan Manning and Michael Card.
And I will.
But I spent some time with Wise Guy today ... and it always does my heart good. So, Wise Guy trumps Brennan Manning.
The first thing I do when I get to Wise Guy's office is to check out his white board. What words, phrases, math equations are written up there in red or blue or green marker? I try to decipher the hidden meanings on my own. When I can't, I cry, "Uncle!" and Wise Guy steps in to help unravel the mysteries of the white board.
Today there was 2 plus 2 equals 12 written on the board. Wise Guy said he'd left it up there from the last time I'd visited just to see if it caught anyone's attention. If you read this blog post you know the significance of that math equation. (If you haven't, go ahead and read it now. I'll wait.)
All done?
The whole thing about 2 plus 2 equals 12 (in my world) while 2 plus 2 equals 4 ( in your world) depends on the x factor--that unknown variable that makes me come up with 12 and you come up with 4.
But Wise Guy made an important observation today. It's so simple I almost overlooked it: It's not about math.
I was sorta', kinda' boasting about how I managed to do a blog post with math in it--and get it right. This is a major accomplishment for me. But this is also so not the point.
I need to take the concept and apply it to my personal relationships. It's not about math, Beth. It's about people--the people I love and care about and want to be in relationship with. But sometimes that's hard because their 4-mindset irritates my 12-mindset. (And vice-versa, I'm sure.)
Wise Guy isn't about helping me do the math.
He's about helping me do life.

Just Thinking Out Loud Here: We Accidental Pharisees can get so caught up in conquering the process that we overlook people. I can be so concerned about every jot and tittle--that's Old Testament-speak for dotting my i's and crossing my t's--that I miss how I'm doing with my husband, my children, my friends, my family.
Wrong answer.

Refreshed and renewed--and thinking about many things

2008-05-05T00:30:00.000-06:00

"God is consistently overgenerous with His grace."

~ Brennan Manning, author/speaker

That's just a glimpse of where I was this past weekend--Glen Eyrie, a retreat center near my home.

My husband and I gave ourselves an early anniversary gift of a retreat featuring Brennan Manning, who spoke on grace. Hhhhmm. Wonder why the topic intrigued me? Michael Card led worship. And worship we did. I'm listening to his music as I type this post.

I took scads of notes--many of which are seeds for future installments of The Accidental Pharisee blog. So stay tuned.

The quote that I led off with was one of the first I scribbled down: God is consistently overgenerous with His grace.

Now, if I was in my true Pharisee-mindset--accidental or otherwise--I'd hear that and say, "Oh, really? Says who? Show me in the Word where it says God is overgenerous with His grace." We Accidental Pharisees, we're a prove-it-to-me bunch.

Well, I can!

Ephesians 1:8 says that God lavishes His grace on us. Lavishes. That sounds amazingly generous to me.

And you know what happens when you get all Pharisee-like and focus on the Law, on all the dos an don'ts? The Law squelches grace. It diminishes what God lavishes on us.

Thinking Out Loud Here: It's good for an Accidental Pharisee to get away from it all and come face to face with God. It's good to hang around with people who live in grace. It's good to immerse myself in a counter-culture--and to realize it's what I truly want.

God isn't safe--but he's good

2008-05-02T06:36:00.000-06:00

"Then he isn't safe?" said Lucy.

"Safe?" said Mr. Beaver. "Don't you hear what Mrs. Beaver tells you? Who said anything about being safe? 'Course he isn't safe. But he's good. He's the king, I tell you."

~ The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe by C.S. Lewis

My husband and I finished watching The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe last night with our seven-year-old daughter. Before she could watch the movie, I read the story out loud to her at dinnertimes. That's a Vogt family rule: Read the book first, then watch the movie. Any book, any movie.

Reading Lewis' book and watching the movie makes me want to shake off my oh-so-safe dealings with God and let him be anything but safe in my life. I want to believe that God is good--and not at all safe. I want to embrace that in a way that says I can trust a God that big, that unfathomable. I want to be safe with a God who isn't safe--but is good.

And then I put the book back on the shelf. And I put the DVD back in its case.

And where does this oh-so-unsafe-but-oh-so-good God go?

I lose sight of him.

To use today's venacular, I downsize God. He's not safe. He's neutralized. He's ineffective. And he's not good. He's just ... okay. He's not a lion. He's a domesticated housecat.

Shame on me.

(And if my friend, Tiffany, is reading this post--bear with me for a moment. I need to feel the weight of this for just a moment. Then I'll take it to God and ask him to lift it off my shoulders.)

I wish I was brave enough to pray that God would show up in large, outlandish, living colors in my life. I wish I would open my arms wide and let God be God. Not who I think he is. Not who I'm comfortable with. Not what others tell me he has to be/must be/should be.

I'd like to experience the paradox of not safe and good.

I think you can only find those two opposites in God.

Thinking Out Loud: We Accidental Pharisees play it safe. We want to be good and we want God to be safe. We're limiting God--and thinking we can be more than we are.

National Day of Prayer

2008-05-01T11:22:00.006-06:00

May 1st--today--is the National Day of Prayer.

2008 Prayer for Our Nation

Dr. Ravi Zacharias

2008 Honorary Chairman, National Day of Prayer Task Force

Holy Father,

in a world where so many are hungry,

You have given us food in abundance;

In a world where so many are hurting,

You offer to bind up our wounds;

In a world where so many are lonely,You offer friendship to every heart;

In a world longing for peace,

You offer hope.

Yet, we are so stubborn and resistant.

Have mercy upon us, Lord.

Our nation is at a crossroads this year;

we look to you to be our strength and shield.

Please give us the guidance to elect one who will honor you

and to respond to the wisdom from above

so that our hope may be renewed and our blessings be treasured.

In God's holy name.

Doing the math

2008-04-30T06:25:00.001-06:00

"All a man's ways seem right in his own eyes, but the LORD weighs the motives."

Proverbs 16:2 (Holman Christian Standard Bible)

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Just tell me what is right and what is wrong.
That seems simple enough, doesn't it?
Not if you're talking to Wise Guy.
And he has the math equation to prove it.

Now, you need to know I am the original carrier of math anxiety. So, if I can work through this equation to learn some truth, so can you.

Here we go:
2 plus 2 equals 12
2 plus 2 does not equal 12
2 plus 2 equals 4
x factor (2 plus 2) equals 12

Now for the explanation:
Think of 2 plus 2 as my behavior or a collection of actions I do or I perceive in others based on my past. So, in my world, 2 plus 2 can equal 12. While in your world, 2 plus 2 will never equal 12. It equals 4--based on your past experience.

What Wise Guy is teaching me is, rather than screaming, "That's wrong" when someone's 4 bumps up against my 12--I need to figure out why I get 12 and why they get 4. I need to look for the x factor--that hidden variable affecting their perception of life.

If you add an 8 to that equation you can get 12. Or multiply by 3. But, because it's an x factor, no one knows I'm adding or multiplying to come up with 12.

Whew!
I don't know about you, but that's enough math for me.

Here's the point: I do things a certain way. I react to my husband or my friends or my family a certain way--and it seems right to me. When someone else reacts differently, I jump to the conclusion that they are wrong because they are not reacting the way I am.

All my ways seem right in my own eyes--but that means other people have to be wrong.
And that's judging.
You think about that.

And, Wise Guy, I am listening--and doing the math!

Just Thinking Out Loud: We Accidental Pharisees get stuck on the first part of Proverbs 16:2. Our ways seem right to us. We need to focus on the second part of the verse: God weighs the motives of our hearts. We need to be less about being right and wrong--usually us being right and someone else being wrong--and be listening to what God is saying about our hearts.

Fiction and Faith

2008-04-28T09:31:00.004-06:00

"Life is God's novel. Let Him write it."

My friend, Kristen, likes to redecorate for the seasons. When spring comes along, she replaces the brown picture frames with white ones. She replaces her dark bedspread with a lighter one. She puts away the pine boughs on her mantle and displays white gerbera daisies in tin buckets.

I noticed a new sign up on one of her walls that read: "Life is God's novel. Let Him write it."

I loved it--and I told her that I did. How could the writer in me not?

Kristen took the sign off the wall and said, "I saw this and thought of you. But I wasn't sure if you'd like it. So, I decided to put it up and see if you noticed it. And, if you liked it, I'd give it to you."

So now I have a new sign to put up in my den.

And it's given me a lot to mull over.

You see, right now I've wandered away from my non-fiction writing roots and I'm having fun writing fiction. Don't get me wrong--writing a novel is hard, hard work. I'm developing a plot and characters and conflict. And at some point I have to make all of this come together and make sense.

One thing I am working on is my characters' relationships with God--and I haven't even completely worked out my own relationship with God. How ironic is that?!

I'm deciding how well they know God. How well they understand grace--do they "get it" or don't they? Letting them work it out lets me work it out on paper.

Which brings me back to the gift from my friend.

If I could change one little word on the sign Kristen gave me, I would change the word "novel." Life isn't God's novel. It isn't make believe. Life is reality. And it's all the more important that I let God be part of writing my story.

Just Thinking Out Loud: This Accidental Pharisee has fun being the one in control of the beginning, middle, and the end. I like being the one who controls the conflict--and being able to make certain there is a "happily ever after" at the end of my story. But I need to remember that God is the one in charge of my life story--and be willing to submit to His will for my life. I need to accept it when life isn't all about happy endings--and still be able to trust God.

Masks

2008-04-25T06:38:00.002-06:00

“When the mask of self-righteousness has been torn from us and we stand stripped of all our accustomed defenses, we are candidates for God's generous grace.” -Erwin W. Lutzer (1941- )

I have never thought of self-righteousness as a mask--something I hide behind. Something that covers the real me.

But let me work with this thought for a minute because I think Lutzer has something here.

Self-righteousness--all those things I do to make myself look good. Imagine all those actions like a mask I pull across my face.

"Look at me," I say. "I look pretty good."

Sure, I may not say it out loud, but it's what I'm thinking.

But what people are really seeing is a mask. A false front.

What's that old '50s song that went, "Yes, I'm the great pretender ... "

It's only when the mask comes off that I can truly begin to receive God's grace.

Grace has been there--available to me--all along. But I've been content with the mask of my own self-righteousness. I'm thinking I look pretty good. But God sees behind my mask. And He loves me anyway. And He offers me grace. And more grace.

And He tells me it's okay to take the mask off.

It's unneccessary.

It's not the real me.

Just Thinking Out Loud: We Accidental Pharisees almost treat our relationship with God like a masquerade ball--masks required. God says No Masks Allowed. Are we brave enough to let His grace replace our masks or self-righteousness?

A Glimpse of Grace

2008-04-23T07:46:00.006-06:00

My friend, Tiffany, has an inspiring blog over at Tea With Tiffany. She even has music playing in the background for your enjoyment while you're reading her latest post. (Sorry, this tech-challenge gal hasn't figured that out yet!)

Tiffany's last post is an interview with one of my favorite authors, Liz Curtis Higgs. In the interview, Higgs said:

Grace is the underlying theme of every book I’ve written—fiction, nonfiction, and children’s books. My heart’s desire is to share the good news of God’s loving-kindness with a hurting world. Without his mercy, we would all be lost. I especially long to reach women who aren’t aware of how much God loves them, so I look for ways to express the truth of the gospel in non-threatening ways. As Madeleine L’Engle wisely said, “We do not draw people to Christ by loudly discrediting what they believe…but by showing them a light that is so lovely that they want with all their hearts to know the source of it.”

Tiffany's offering a copy of Higgs' latest book, Embrace Grace, over at her blog. Anyone who posts a comment through April 30th has a chance to win. So, drop by Tea with Tiffany, read the interview, and enjoy the music!

Thinking Out Loud: This Accidental Pharisee is so glad she can catch glimpses of God's grace from others!

Searching for significance in all the wrong places

2008-04-21T08:46:00.006-06:00

"See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands ... " Isaiah 49:16a

I've always been intrigued by that verse in Isaiah. God has engraved me on the palms of his hands.

Imagine that.

There's something extremely personal about being engraved on God's hands. It makes me feel as if I am being held by him every minute of every day.

There's something purposeful about engraving someone on your hands too. God didn't write my name on his hands in ball point pen. He didn't sketch a picture of me with a Sharpie. The Hebrew word for "engrave" means to cut or to inscribe or to set.

For God to engrave me on the palms of his hands, he had to be intentional--and it sounds painful too. It cost God something.

The verse is in a chapter in Isaiah where Israel is feeling forgotten and forsaken by God. And God answers by saying he cannot forget his people. He proves it by holding out his hands.

Just Thinking Out Loud: The next time I'm struggling with feeling insignificant, maybe I should stop looking at all the things I'm doing to prove I'm worth something to somebody--anybody. Maybe this Accidental Pharisee should look at the palms of her God's hands.

Augustine's 11 Little Words

2008-04-18T10:36:00.006-06:00

"Love God with all your heart--then do as you please." ~Augustine

Read this quote again recently. It wasn't the first time I'd seen or heard it. My reaction to it was the same:
Huh?
Is a relationship with God that simple?
Love God--and do as I please?
While I was googling (great verb, eh?) the quote to make certain who said it, I found links to people arguing about this quote.
It isn't that easy, says they. You can't just love God and do as you please. "You can't just love God with all your heart," said one writer. "You have to love Him with all your heart, soul, mind and strength." (Mark 12:30-31.)
With all due respect, I think that writer is quibbling. He's muddying the simplicity of Augustine's thought--stealing its beauty.
Love God.
Focus on that.
Not Love God and something else.
I've always thought if I focused on loving God, I wouldn't have a lot of time left to do those things I shouldn't do--like focusing on "doing the right thing" or "being the right kind of Christian." I'd be too busy loving God. Worshipping Him. Praising Him. Honoring Him with my life.
You know, the more I read Augustine's 11 little words, the more profound I find them.

Just Thinking Out Loud: We Accidental Pharisees would do well to focus on one thing--loving God--and letting go of all the other things we drag into our relationship with God. What would that look like today? How could I, how could you, love God today?
Do that--and then do as you please.

Fascinating, Isn't It?

2008-04-16T08:55:00.005-06:00

"Try looking at something with fascination instead of judgement."

~ Wise Guy

Now there's a thought that will turn your life upside down.
Fascination--Isn't that interesting?
Judgement--In my opinion, this is right, wrong, good, bad, whatever. (Fill in the blank.)
Fascination gives me a lot of breathing space, a lot of room to move around. I don't have to figure out why God allowed something to happen the way He did. I don't have to explain it. I don't even have to like it.
As a matter of fact, I don't even have to understand God.
Imagine that.
What a fascinating thought!
But fascination is a bit scary. No, it's a lot scary. If I step away from judgement--right, wrong--then I step into a life that has a bit more gray in it. I can't be so certain about everything.

God wants me to be certain about some things, sure. Certain that He loves me. Certain that He is trustworthy.
But does God want me to be certain about everything?
I don't think so.

Just Thinking Out Loud: We Accidental Pharisees need to stop with the judging and try to get caught up with how fascinating life is. How fascinating God is. Of course, that means we have to be willing to be uncomfortable. I don't think rules and regulations survive in an atmosphere of fascination.

Hanging Out With Pharisees

2008-04-14T11:45:00.010-06:00

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" ... He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you, but to do justice, to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God ... "

Micah 6:8

I spent some time this weekend researching some buddies of mine--the Pharisees.

You probably know a few of them too, you just don't realize it.

If we're going to be talking about grace, we're going to run into the Pharisees. That's what happened to Jesus. Whenever he talked about grace, the Pharisees were right there, asking, "But what about the Law?"

I like Charles Swindoll's labels for the Pharisees. He calls them "the original grace-killers" and "the brain trust of legalism."

As I was scribbling notes from the Encyclopedia Judaica--a great resource that my friend, Scoti, recommended to me--I discovered that the Pharisees weren't all bad. They weren't all wrong about God.

Did you know the Pharisees believed God was an omnipotent (all powerful), all knowing spiritual being, all wise, all just, all merciful? They believed God loved his creatures and asked man to walk in His ways and to act justly and to love kindness. (Hhhmm. I've heard that before in Micah 6:8.) God gave man the ability to choose between good and evil--and wanted him to choose good.

I'm not going to argue with any of that, are you?

Here's where the Pharisees went wrong--way, way wrong.

They believed a spirit of holiness was obtained through a scrupulous observance of the Torah and by spreading traditional religious teaching.

Ooops! Wrong answer!

Thinking Out Loud: We Accidental Pharisees get it wrong too. We don't mean too. We're looking right at Jesus--and we're forgetting that He's all about grace. We want to talk to Him about how much time we've spent in Bible study, and then ask Him, "How am I doing?" He wants to tell us that's not the point. We keep holding up our little check lists of what we've done right and saying, "Look at this! Look at this!" And Jesus says," Will you just look at me?"

Grace.

Do You Validate?

2008-04-09T06:31:00.010-06:00

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"Instead of striving for a manmade ticket to heaven based on high achievement and hard work (for which we get all the credit), I suggest we declare our own spiritual bankruptcy and accept God's free gift of grace."

~ Charles R. Swindoll, The Grace Awakening

I spent some time talking with Wise Guy yesterday. At one point, we even tried to figure out how long we've been talking things out--me, looking for answers, Wise Guy, knowing the answers but letting me keep on looking so I can figure it out for myself.

We've been at this a long time, folks.

I always take notes during our talks. Here's one from yesterday:

I keep taking my ticket to the wrong counter to get validated.

Now if the "ticket" represents me, what I'm realizing is I am looking to the wrong things, the wrong people, for validation.

Do you ever do that?

Just A Thought: I keep wanting certain people to validate my ticket and thereby say I have worth. I need to tear up that ticket--or at least turn it over to God so He can write "Grace" across it in big red letters. We Accidental Pharisees--we're trying to pay our way to heaven or we want someone else to validate our "ticket" for us. We forget about grace.

Wouldn't You Know It?

2008-04-07T06:52:00.001-06:00

"Grace isn't a little prayer you chant before receiving a meal. It's a way to live." ~ Jackie Windspear

I'm in a Bible study with some friends. We've decided to study the topic of grace.
Timely, isn't it?
As an Accidental Pharisee On Her Way to Retirement, I have a lot to say about grace.
Not.
I have a lot to learn about grace.
I noticed one thing tonight as we discussed grace: Whenever you talk about grace, you end up talking about Pharisees. You really can't talk about one without talking about the other. The Pharisees "got" the Law--but they didn't get grace. And that's why Jesus made them so angry. Jesus was all about grace.
Being a good do-er, i.e. tell me what I need to do to be a good Christian--I learned the approved definition of grace: unmerited favor. Knowing the definition and living a life of grace are two very different things. I'm just beginning to learn that.
I discovered a new definition of grace, and I like this one better.
"Love that goes upward is worship; love that goes outward is affection; love that stoops is grace." (Donald Barnhouse, Bible scholar.)
Love that stoops is grace.

Just a Thought: We Accidental Pharisees get so caught up in what we're supposed to do and not do--and making sure somebody is noticing what we're doing or not doing--that we totally miss what God did for us. He offers us grace. The Bible says He lavishes us with grace (Ephesians 1:8). He loves us enought to stoop down and to offer us grace.

The Mountain Top

2008-04-01T11:08:00.003-06:00

"Never allow God to show you a truth which you do not instantly begin to live up to, applying to your life. Always work through it, staying in the light."

~ My Utmost for His Highest, Oswald Chambers

Ran away to the mountains last week. Of course, I took my husband and my youngest daughter with me--and a few of our closest friends. And their dog.
Honest.
We had a great time, relaxing and snowshoeing and watching the snow fall and watching the kiddos play.
And, without the television on and the To Do list staring me in the face and the phone ringing, I had time to dive into God's Word. It was wonderful. I know, I know. I should make time to be in God's word. But, true confession, I don't. I just haven't been making it a priority like I want to.
It was so, so, so refreshing to be reading because I wanted to--and not because I had to. It was so good to have the time--not to have to make the time.
You know what I mean?
I stayed in the light.
Intentionally.
I was intentional about my relationship with God. I spent time with him because I wanted to. And, as I drew closer to him, I didn't hear him saying, "Where have you been?" in a condeming sort of way. I heard him say, "Where have you been?" in a welcoming sort of way. It made me want to come closer to him.
Thinking Out Loud: It's all about tone. We Accidental Pharisees have got God's voice set on the wrong tone. We think God sounds legalistic and demanding and condemning--even when Scripture clearly says, "There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus!" (Romans 8:1)
I once asked Wise Guy to record the Bible for me because I like the sound of his voice. I would want God to sound like him. Who is the most inviting, loving, welcoming person you know? I bet God sounds like that person.

The Sound of Silence

2008-03-24T09:48:00.005-06:00

"For in him we live and move and have our being." Acts 17:28

It's been quiet on this blog as of late.
That's because things have been quiet between me and God. Not non-existent. Just quiet. Nothing profound being said or heard.
Is a relationship with God all about things being profound?
I don't think so.
And yet, sometimes I act that way.
God and I have had some moments of intense closeness as I've leaned on him these past weeks. I had a speaking engagement looming and I oh-so-needed him to be sufficient for me. Yes, I wanted to do well--but more than anything, I wanted to feel him working in me and through me and in spite of me.
And as I rushed around, doing all I needed to do to get ready, I kept thinking: This will utterly fail if it is all about what I've done--and not about what God is doing through me.
My quiet times were highly irregular.
My time in the Word was haphazard at best.
And yet, I found myself leaning, leaning, leaning into God, knowing I needed him to be all he is. I struggled because it didn't feel like picture-perfect Christianity. And this blog lay dormant because I had nothing profound to share.
But I was doing life with God.
And that's real.

Just a Thought: Is it all about the profound for Accidental Pharisees? Is the every day life of a believer too normal for us? There's a lie there that needs to be dispelled: An authentic life of a believer isn't all profound, Kodak-moments with God. Some of it is normal, normal, normal. Resting in the every day life of following God. Not always looking for a burning bush or a Jericho wall that needs to be demolished ... but rather enjoying intimacy with God in all moments of my life.

Derailed

2008-03-03T08:10:00.003-07:00

The Lord says: "These people come near to me with their mouth and honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me. Their worship of me is made up only of rules taught by men.

Isaiah 29:13

Good intentions and all that--derailed by the flu making repeated rounds the family.

I'm struggling to rediscover normal, whatever that is.

And in the midst of re-establishing normal, I want to re-establish intimacy with God. No, I'm not worried that He's mad at me or anything. I'm not caught up in the lies of a "Do-this-Don't-do-that" relationship with God. I understand there is an ebb and flow in my relationship with God.

It's just that I miss the intimacy.

And ... okay, I admit it. I still compare myself with others who seem to maintain some kind of mystical, continual connection to God.

How do they do that?

What keeps them close to God--no matter what?

Yesterday, I sat myself down in front of my computer. Not to work, but to listen to my playlist of worship songs I've collected.

Ah, instant communion. I sang, despite my congested head and scratchy throat. And it felt good. Not perfect. But good.

And I heard God speak some truth to me. And I went away encouraged.

Thinking Out Loud: We Accidental Pharisees get tripped up by wanting things to be just so before we approach God. Perfect. We want to have crossed our t's and dotted our i's--and made it all look good so God is pleased with our effort. And that keeps us from coming to God sooner. We deprive ourselves of a more constant communion because we want it to be perfect--or we don't want it at all.

Unanswered Questions

2008-02-19T06:43:00.004-07:00

For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.

Isaiah 55:9 (NAS)

I don't understand what you're doing God.

But that doesn't mean I don't trust you.

I stood in my kitchen as I said those words, out loud. It was an odd sort of prayer--but a prayer nonetheless.

I've learned the hard way that trusting God doesn't require understanding God. Trusting God doesn't mean all my questions are answered--or if they are answered, that I get the answers I wanted.

I've watched my friends' life spiral out of control in a horrible way these past two weeks. I've seen bad become worse and worse become heartwrenching.

It makes no sense.

In another season in my life when I let doubt rule and reign, I would have allowed all of this to convince me that God is not trustworthy. I am determined to never walk that dark road ever again.

Yes, none of what is happening to my friends make sense. It is tragedy in the truest sense of the word. And yet, it doesn't mean that God isn't trustworthy. It just means I cannot see life as he sees it--the beginning and the end all together. All I can see is the pain of this moment--and the next and the next.

Thinking Out Loud: We Accidental Pharisees like our questions answered. We like to tell God how to answer our questions because we think we have God figured out oh, so well. After all, we've read the Bible. We've probably even stood in front of others and taught the Bible. Unanswered questions are uncomfortable, scary--and we aren't sure God is big enough to handle unanswered questions. We know we aren't.

Not Doing the Dos

2008-02-13T01:49:00.003-07:00

This is eternal life , that they may know You, the only true God , and Jesus Christ whom You have sent .

John 17:3

I've had an on-the-run relationship with God lately.
And, oddly enough, I don't feel distant from him.
I don't feel like he's mad at me.
Life has sort of swept me along the past week or so, as I found myself caught up in the lives of others who were hurting, who needed my time, my attention, my support.
Along the way, I kept talking to God. I interceded for my friends. Sometimes my prayer was nothing more than the words, "Oh, God ..."
And I think God knew exactly what I meant. I think he understood how much my heart was hurting for my friends and how much I wished I could make it better. But all I could do was turn to him and ask him to be God in their lives.
Sometimes my prayers were worship songs sung at the top of my voice as I chose to praise him even when life didn't seem to make sense.
Sometimes my prayers were focused requests for God to be Jehovah Shalom, the God of Peace, or Jehovah Rapha, the God who heals. And always, I asked for God to be mighty on the behalf of my friends' 12-year-old son who has cancer--and an arduous battle ahead of him.

Thinking Out Loud Here: We Accidental Pharisees like to do all the Dos and avoid all the Don'ts. We major in religion and minor in relationship. But this past week, God and I had a relationship. He ran with me as I ran to my friends--and he paced me as I tried to be there for them. He didn't "tsk-tsk" me for not having a proper quiet time. I think he was glad I kept talking to him through it all. I didn't say, "I'll get back to you, God, once I'm done dealing with this crisis." No. I walked through the crisis--am still walking through the crisis--with God beside me.

Determined

2008-02-07T12:03:00.000-07:00

Faith isn't faith until it's all your're holding on to

I doubted God--and it ruined my relationship with him for 7 years.
That was then, this is now.
I find myself in another set of circumstances, facing the same choice: trust or doubt.
I am determined to trust God.
When the voice of the enemy whispers, "What if ...," I am going to stick my fingers in my ears and hum a favorite praise and worship song really loudly.
When the past rushes up and tries to drag me to my knees by reminding me of how things haven't always gone the way I hoped, I am going to grab on to something solid--a treasured verse or favorite quote--and not let go.

Thinking Out Loud Here: We Accidental Pharisees can lose focus. We take our eyes off the right thing--God--and pay too much attention to circumstances. Yes, I live in the here and now--and some days it hurts trying to draw a breath. But here and now is not all there is to my life. And I am not in control of here and now--God is. I need to be watching him closely--and what he is doing when it seems like my world is spinning off its axis. Even when I can't see him, God is here--and he knows what he is doing.

An Un-Pharisee Moment

2008-02-05T11:34:00.000-07:00

My head was buried in my computer, as I am wont to say.
My hands were tapping across the keyboard, usually a mistep of type, type, correct, type, type, correct. I am a lousy typist and have been since my first Journalism 101 class.
Worship music played in the background. I love to work with music playing. This morning it's Chris Tomlin. How Great is Our God came blaring out from my computer speakers--and I had to stop working so I could lift my hands and praise God.
And as I sat in front of my always cluttered desk, hands lifted, head thrown back and eyes closed, I felt God's presence.
And I didn't feel like a Pharisee--Accidental or otherwise.
Oh, that I could stay in that moment.
Buried behind a stack of papers--see how honest I'm being?--is a little sign I confiscated from my daughter's Sunday School papers. It reads: Take off your shoes, for the place where you are standing is Holy ground (Exodus 3:5).
Moses found God in a burning bush.
I find God so often in my office, as I write.
I write because He made me to write. When I am writing or editing or even banging my head on the keyboard wondering why, oh why the words won't come, I am being who God created me to be.

Just Thinking Out Loud: We Accidental Pharisees can find our way to freedom and grace if we praise God more. Talk about ourselves less. Praise God more. If we're not sure how to do it, let someone who knows how lead the way. Turn on some praise and worship music. Sing some hymns.

Borrowing a Prayer

2008-01-30T06:55:00.000-07:00

Now therefore, I pray You, if I have found favor in Your sight , let me know Your ways that I may know You, so that I may find favor in Your sight .

Exodus 33:13

I remember the first time I asked for prayer.

I was a baby-believer, attending my first couples' Bible study with my husband. I'd listened to others share their praises and prayer requests for weeks--months--but never had the nerve to speak up. It was all too new, this praying out loud to an invisible God.

But, life as a new wife/college student/working girl was demanding and I was stretched thin. So, one night I asked, "Would you pray for me? I need to have more patience."

"Oh, you should never pray for that!" one of the other wives told me.

What!? There are things you can and can't pray for? How had I missed that?

Of course, I didn't know then what I know now: Don't pray for patience because you'll get tested--or so the Christian logic goes.

27 years later--and I'm still learning about prayer. I discovered the beauty of prayer as I listened to someone else pray. Beauty has had nothing to do with the words spoken. The beauty was revealed as I saw the relationship someone had with God. I've listened to a friend talk to God and thought, "She knows God. I'm listening in on a conversation. This almost feels too private ..."

By listening, I was drawn closer to God.

Thinking Out Loud Here: I'm an Accidental Pharisee on her way to retirement, as my Wise Guy likes to encourage me. I'm going to adopt Moses' prayer from Exodus 33:13: I want to know God's ways that I might know God. That's keeping it simple, which is a challenge to Accidental Pharisees. We like to muck our relationship with God up with this and that and oh, just one more thing that might make it better! I'll try the Keep It Simple Prayer Life. This One Thing I Pray: That I might know God's ways that I might know God.

Face to Face with God

2008-01-28T09:07:00.000-07:00

"... the LORD used to speak to Moses face to face , just as a man speaks to his friend ... " Exodus 33:11

Have you ever heard the question What is God doing today?
Well, here's another question for you: Have you ever taken a good look at what God was doing long, long ago?
I'm sorting through my relationship with God--defining the relationship, you might say. Trying to figure out where I've got it wrong and where I've got it right. (See? I'm giving myself some grace and assuming I haven't gotten it all wrong!)
I wandered all the way back to the second book in the Old Testament and found a standard for my relationship with God in chapter 33: I want to be God's friend. I want God to be my friend.
That's a bold statement for an Accidental Pharisee to make.
Friendship. That's awfully up-close-and-personal. That kind of intimacy with God is going to muck up my black-and-white self-righteousness with an awful lot of gray.
But it can be done.I can have a friendship with God. I mean, if Moses can be friends with God, can't I be friends with God?
God spoke with Moses face to face as a man speaks to his friend.
I've gotta think about that for a minute.
I just came back from a visit with my forever friend, Fran. We talked and laughed and cried and prayed together ... and sometimes she listened while I talked and sometimes I listened while she talked ... and we went shopping and had lunch ... and we just loved every minute of it. It was all about being together.
Can my relationship with God be all about being together?

Thinking Out Loud here: We Accidental Pharisees make God too complicated. We throw too many dos and don'ts into the relationship. We come up with our own set of rules--and we borrow others, if those rules sound good too. We focus on doing and forget about being. There's no real face-to-face time with God if I'm all caught up in getting it right--no chance to talk together as friends.

It Either Is or It Isn't

2008-01-18T08:34:00.000-07:00

“… My grace is enough; it's all you need. My strength comes into its own in your weakness.” Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ's strength moving in on my weakness.

2 Corinthians 12: 9 The Message

There needs to be a deliberate change of focus in my life.

I need to begin to appreciate the gift of God's grace and stop focusing on my weaknesses.
Whenever I have an opportunity to write or to speak about a struggle in my life, a.k.a. a weakness, I tend to stare at the weakness.

Just look at that black hole of failure in my life.

That kind of thinking drags me down into the dregs. And then I try to cover up the weakness or I try to pretend there is no weakness. Remember my Wizard of Oz complex: Ignore that woman behind the curtain!

Instead, I need to look for how Christ's strength is moving in on my weakness. I need to believe that his grace is truly enough--and that I don't have to be.

Thinking Out Loud Here: We Accidental Pharisees can get off-focus. We see a weakness--in ourselves or someone else--and think, "Gotta fix that!" And then, even worse, we think we can!! Wouldn't it be amazing to step back, take our hands off the process, and watch how God would move in my life? In someone else's life? Wouldn't it be astounding to see the miraculous happen as God's grace proves to be sufficient for the need?

Don't Do It

2008-01-16T08:45:00.000-07:00

"Be still and know that I am God." Psalm 46:10

Stayed up late.

Actually, I laid awake in my bed until midnight. Then I got up and came downstairs to worry in front of my computer. Active worrying--meaning I did things to make me feel like I had some control over the situation that had me so worried.

Do you ever do that?

I've got a big, wonderful, God-given opportunity coming up. And I'm freaking about it. Can I do this? Will I look like somebody's hand-me-down compared to everybody else? Will I perform well?

Ah, there we have it. Will I perform well? That's the unspoken mantra of many an Accidental Pharisee. How am I doing? How am I doing? How am I doing? Put that another way: Am I good enough?

Let me tell you, this kind of thinking can make you crazy. It can certainly make you lose sleep.

What's an Accidental Pharisee to do?

I wish I could ban that word--DO--from my vocabulary. It has tripped me up for too many years.

Thinking out Loud Here: Remember the Nike campaign: Just Do It? I think we Accidental Pharisees have to Just Not Do It. Okay, that's lousy grammar, but you get the point. We have to stop all the do-ing because that's Law again. We're letting Law trump grace whenever we do things to be in control, to look good-whenever we perform.

Color Blind

2008-01-14T10:50:00.000-07:00

The LORD opens the eyes of the blind; The LORD raises up those who are bowed down; The LORD loves the righteous. Psalm 146:8

I realized something this weekend. I see two colors: black and white.

There's very few gray areas in my life. The law--all the dos and don'ts I've allowed in my life--leave no room for gray or any other in-between color.

It is either black or white. It either is or it isn't. It is either truth or a lie.

I'm learning grace provides a whole lot more breathing space. The color spectrum, if you will, is broader.

I experienced the "I'm right, you're wrong" scenario yet again this weekend. I knew what was supposed to happen--and it didn't happen. I did my part. Someone else didn't do her part. So, I'm right. She's wrong.

See how simple that is?

Black and white.

But I'm not living that other person's life--which I'm betting is anything but black and white. I bet there are all sorts of reasons why she didn't follow through with doing the "right" thing. Gray areas I couldn't even see from my perspective.

Thinking Out Loud Here: We Accidental Pharisees love the safety of black and white. We consign life to the familiar borders of right versus wrong, truth versus lie, me versus them. God's grace, embodied in Jesus, shatters color blindness.

It's a Choice

2008-01-10T05:57:00.000-07:00

I didn't want some petty, inferior brand of righteousness that comes from keeping a list of rules when I could get the robust kind that comes from trusting Christ - God's righteousness.

Philippians 3:9 The Message

Seems to me there's two ways to interact with God, two ways to try obtain righteousness:

by knowing Christ (Philippians 3:8)

by practicing the Law (Philippians 3:9)

One way is the right way to obtain righteous. The other way is one of those "seems right unto a man" ways--that actually only results in self-righteousness.

Pretty simple choice there: Pursuing a relationship with Jesus where I come to understand who He is and what He offers me versus Memorizing and practicing a bunch of dos and don'ts.

Thinking out loud: We Accidental Pharisees find the dos and don'ts easier than pursuing a relationship. I've always said--and I was only half-joking--that Law is easier than grace. Just tell me what to do. Grace is this wide open space that feels scary and uncontrollable.
Ah, there's the point of it: I can't control grace. It's not about me and what I can do. It's about God and what He did.

I know these are pretty elementary truths here, but I'm going back and tearing up some shoddy foundations of my faith. Only then can I rebuild it on a firm foundation.

White Board Witticisms

2008-01-09T07:54:00.000-07:00

And He said to her, "Daughter, your faith has made you well; go in peace and be healed of your affliction."

Mark 5:34

So my wise and trusted counselor--I think I'll start calling him "Wiseguy" because it'll make him laugh--has a white board in his office. Whenever we meet, the first thing I do is read the board. There's always something scrawled up there in red or blue marker that makes me go, "Huh?"

It was true yesterday--and there were only two quotes written on the board. Usually the board is filled top to bottom, side to side, with words. But, new year, clean board, I guess.

Here's one of the two:

The actions of Jesus make statements about how He sees and values people.

Jesus cared about the woman who'd been bleeding for years--so much so that He accepted her touch and healed her, even though the Law said she was unclean.

Jesus cared about the ten lepers begging to be freed of an atrocious disease that left them isolated from others. He healed them, even though the law said they were unclean.

Jesus raised people from the dead.
Jesus ate with tax collectors--the lowest of the low in that society.
Unclean. Unclean. Unclean.
Or so the Law said.

But Jesus' actions said He valued these people more than the prohibitions of the Law. The Law pushes people away. Jesus pulls people close. The Law limits relationship. Jesus is Emmanual, God with us. Up close and personal.

Thinking out loud here: We Accidental Pharisees are a bit uncomfortable with up close and personal. Our dos and don'ts limit relationships--and hinder our ability to truly value people. Or maybe it's that they reveal how much we do (or don't) value people. Which do we value more: law or people?

Here's Looking at You

2008-01-07T07:11:00.000-07:00

Moved with compassion, Jesus touched their eyes; and immediately they regained their sight and followed Him.

Matthew 20:34

The question was: When you look at people, what do you see?

I didn't like my answer.

I've trained my eyes to see flaws--mine and others.

Ouch. That hurts.

This Accidental Pharisee's eyes tend to judge others because I need to know how I'm doing in comparison to everyone else. Am I doing okay? Am I making the grade--that imaginary, oh-so-unneccessary grade?

Don't get me wrong. I also see other people's positive characteristics too--and I let people know what I like about them. I'm not all bad.

The person I judge the most harshly?

Me.

Jesus saw people with eyes of compassion. Kindness. Mercy. Try as I might, I can't squeeze judgement into compassion. A merciful heart has no room for judging someone else.

When I look at people, what do I see?

I thought about this question a lot yesterday. And I as I ran errands, I looked at people. And I told myself, "See them as Jesus would see them. With eyes of compassion."

Now I need to say that when I look at myself in the mirror too.

Waiting for Direction

2008-01-04T07:45:00.000-07:00

"We are all pencils in the hand of God."

Mother Teresa

I've been practicing a new spiritual discipline: lectio divina, a combination of listening prayer and meditation.

The past few weeks, I've been a bit haphazard with it, what with the holidaze and travel and lots of family fun. But I am determined to settle back into the habit of making time to read a small segment of Scripture and then take time to meditate on it. Not because I have to but because I want to.

Being an Accidental Pharisee involved an awful lot of have-tos that wore me out--and didn't produce intimacy with God. I'd do what others told me I had to do. Then, just for good measure, I'd add a few of my own had-tos to the list of acceptable behaviors.

I'm learning why I did this. And I'm learning to discern what all those had-to behaviors are. Made-up provisions for getting it right with God.

It's like I was the student who needed to learn how to write. But, instead of allowing the Teacher to instruct me, I took the pencil and said, "I know what to do," and added a bunch of unneccessary steps to the process.

I think I'll rest in the Teacher's hands for a while.

Forward, Not Back

2008-01-03T08:13:00.000-07:00

So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus.

Romans 8:1

The Living Bible

In keeping with my commitment to honesty, I have to admit I'd like to quit this blog.

As much as I say my "tagline" is Writing Honestly, this blog is pushing my panic button a bit.
I'm feeling a bit overexposed, even as I invite a few friends to peek in on my newest writing venture.

Remember the scene in "The Wizard of Oz" when Dorothy finally gets to meet the Wizard? He looks pretty impressive, until the curtain gets pulled back. Lo and behold--there's a pretty ordinary guy behind that curtain. He tries to hide himself again and says, "Ignore the man behind the curtain!" All the while, he keeps pulling levers and pressing buttons, trying to keep up the pretense that he is the all-powerful Wizard of Oz.

I kind of feel like I pulled back my own curtain--and now I want to say, "Ignore that woman behind that curtain," and go back to pretending I'm someone I'm not--but who I'd really like you to think I am.

We Accidental Pharisees are good at putting on a show.

But in doing so, we--I hindered relationships with both other people and with God.

It's not to say I didn't have real friends. I just didn't have completely honest friendships. I don't know about those other people, but I know I wasn't being competely honest about who I was.

And, while they may have been fooled by what I was doing behind the curtain, I know God wasn't.

But, being a God of grace, He didn't rip back the curtain and condemn me. He's waited all this time for me to be willing to get real with Him.

It's just going to take a while to be comfortable with this.

Redefining the Moment

2008-01-02T06:32:00.000-07:00

Create in me a clean heart, O God, And renew a steadfast spirit within me.

Psalm 51:10

My life is comprised of moments.
48 years of moments.
Some of them are fairly inconsequential.
Others are defining moments.
One became the defining moment in my life--even though I spent a long time ignoring it.
The defining moment in my life? The harsh, life-stealing reality that I was sexually abused.
One of my goals is for this to become just a moment in my life.
Not the defining moment.
Not a defining moment.
Just a moment.
My trusted counselor--and yes, he'll be mentioned frequently in this blog!--is challenging me to let God be the defining moment in my life.
I'm hoping that as I redefine the moment, I can call myself "The Accidental Pharisee, Retired."

A Beginning of Sorts

2008-01-01T06:56:00.000-07:00

I've been out of step with you for a long time ... What you're after is truth from the inside out.

Enter me, then; conceive a new, true life.

Psalm 51:5-6 The Message

A new year.

A new blog.

You'd think with two blogs (The Writing Road and Mommy-Come-Lately), I wouldn't need a third. I certainly wondered if I had time for another blog.

But I basically dared myself to set up this blog--and I didn't want to back down from my own dare.

You see, a few weeks ago I realized that I was a Pharisee.

I'd been talking with a trusted counselor about my relationship with God. I said something. He said something. And then I realized that I'd allowed an awful lot of let-me-do-it-my-way self-righteousness to influence my interaction with God. I looked at my friend and said, "I didn't mean to be a Pharisee."

And then I started sobbing.

Moments of truth are painful.

And my friend, wise man that he is, said nothing. He just let me be in the truth.

I've walked around with this uncomfortable truth, asking myself Where do I go from here? What now, God?

This blog is my chance to think out loud. To ask myself how did I get here--and how do I get to where I want to be with God.

Maybe along the way I'll find few friends who can point me in the right direction.