The Accidental Pharisee

Monday, July 28, 2008

Fighting History

I was flipping through my journal--one of my various journals, to be honest. I can never seem to have just one journal at a time.
Anyways, I was scanning over notes from one of my sessions with Wise Guy and came across this quote:


"...trying to make life what it can never be because your history is what it never should have been."

I'm pretty certain that's a direct quote from Wise Guy. I marked it with an * and then I underlined it.
I spent too many years trying to make my life what it can never be because my history was what it never should have been.
Now, truth be told, there were alot of years I denied my history. I didn't admit to my sexual abuse until I was in my mid-30s. (That's another blog post.) I told myself for years: I would never be one of those sexually abused people.
Now, why did I not even recognize that wasn't a normal thought?
I didn't like my history. That's an understatement. My history broke my heart. Damaged my soul.
There were too many years of my life I walked around pretending I was someone I wasn't. Is it so surprising I carried my pretense over into my relationship with God? I was presenting a false front to everyone else, why should it be any different with God?
But faking my past affected my future too. There were lies everywhere: past, present--and if I didn't change things, in my future.
I recall one morning sitting in my living room and trying to be still before God. Trying to listen to what He might say to me.
I heard the word Freedom.
It sounded as if someone standing right next to me whispered that word--and I opened my eyes and looked around.
I believed then, and I believe now, that God's Spirit whispered to my spirit: Freedom.
He wanted me to experience freedom.
But to do that I had to accept the harsh reality of my past. I had to stop pretending.
And I had to stop pretending day in and day out. I had to be the Beth he created me to be. Not the Beth I thought would impress others. Not the Beth I thought he wanted me to be. Not the Beth I wished I was when I looked in the mirror.
I'm still learning how to live in the light of that truth.
That's why I hang around Wise Guy. He's helping me figure it out.

Just Thinking Out Loud: The apostle Paul said it himself: He was a Pharisee of Pharisees. And there was no way he could change his-story. He killed believers. And yet God . . .
We Accidental Pharisees may be trying to alter our stories by being on our best behavior and glossing over the parts of our lives we wish had never happened.
And yet God . . .
We need to stop fighting history--my-story, your-story--and let God be God in the story.

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2 Comments:

  • As I sat here reading this post I almost cried - almost. I identify with so much of it. Thinking I was pretty free from my history of sexual abuse, God showed me recently that I would NEVER be free until I stopped trying to be the woman I might have been had I not been abused! I realize to the unabused mind that might sound rediculous, but it's what I have spent my life trying to be.
    Up until just a few weeks ago I always shared my story in the third person. A friend asked me why I refered to myself as her and that little girl. I said, because I don't want HER to be ME!
    God is stilling working. I can see now that I can not separate that little girl from my story - she is my story. I am what I am today because of my history, and God is working it our for my good and HIS glory.
    Now I just need to stop trying to be what I might have been and allow God to create in me who HE wants me to be!

    Thank you for sharing...sometimes I do feel alone in this journey so it's good to know others out there feeling and dealing with the same thoughts and emotions. It makes me feel a little more 'normal.'

    By Blogger SharonB, At July 28, 2008 at 6:56 PM  

  • I am thankful my words encouraged you. I find I tend to walk this road by myself to often--and yet, there's no need to do that. It ends up being my choice.
    There's a part of me that still wants to say, "Not me"--but God says he desires truth in the innermost being--and I am learning to be honest with myself about my who I am. It's not always pretty--but it's the truth.

    By Blogger Beth K. Vogt, At July 28, 2008 at 9:06 PM  

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