Fighting History

I was flipping through my journal--one of my various journals, to be honest. I can never seem to have just one journal at a time.
Anyways, I was scanning over notes from one of my sessions with Wise Guy and came across this quote:

"...trying to make life what it can never be because your history is what it never should have been."

I'm pretty certain that's a direct quote from Wise Guy. I marked it with an * and then I underlined it.

I spent too many years trying to make my life what it can never be because my history was what it never should have been.

Now, truth be told, there were alot of years I denied my history. I didn't admit to my sexual abuse until I was in my mid-30s. (That's another blog post.) I told myself for years: I would never be one of those sexually abused people.

Now, why did I not even recognize that wasn't a normal thought?

I didn't like my history. That's an understatement. My history broke my heart. Damaged my soul.

There were too many years of my life I walked around pretending I was someone I wasn't. Is it so surprising I carried my pretense over into my relationship with God? I was presenting a false front to everyone else, why should it be any different with God?

But faking my past affected my future too. There were lies everywhere: past, present--and if I didn't change things, in my future.

I recall one morning sitting in my living room and trying to be still before God. Trying to listen to what He might say to me.

I heard the word Freedom.

It sounded as if someone standing right next to me whispered that word--and I opened my eyes and looked around.

I believed then, and I believe now, that God's Spirit whispered to my spirit: Freedom.

He wanted me to experience freedom.

But to do that I had to accept the harsh reality of my past. I had to stop pretending.

And I had to stop pretending day in and day out. I had to be the Beth he created me to be. Not the Beth I thought would impress others. Not the Beth I thought he wanted me to be. Not the Beth I wished I was when I looked in the mirror.

I'm still learning how to live in the light of that truth.

That's why I hang around Wise Guy. He's helping me figure it out.

Just Thinking Out Loud: The apostle Paul said it himself: He was a Pharisee of Pharisees. And there was no way he could change his-story. He killed believers. And yet God . . .

We Accidental Pharisees may be trying to alter our stories by being on our best behavior and glossing over the parts of our lives we wish had never happened.

And yet God . . .

We need to stop fighting history--my-story, your-story--and let God be God in the story.